blogger won't let me leave this blank

2011-05-29T21:08:00.000-06:00

11/03/2010

2010-11-04T12:18:00.002-06:00

The night my heart grew back.
This is the night I forgive you.

You find out what forgiveness is when your heart is no longer sore to the things you've been holding on to. You don't let go, your skin just grows.
I have forgiven you when you can see it in my eyes and I can feel it in my heart.
When the tears I've been losing are no longer sad.
It's all over he tells me, your heart can't hurt over this anymore.
This is over and you will cry no more, he says.

I know this is the truth because my heart beats, and it isn't beating on it's own.

I give you grace, he says.
Now tell him that you love him.

2010-10-16T00:38:00.002-06:00

My heart is sore
I have made it so you can't see me anymore
And when my ghosts come
and they ask of him
I will tell them that they can't have him
I will tell them that they must pass me before they can hurt his heart.

I will be sure this doesn't happen, this passing that is.
My ghosts cannot have you.

And I will only sleep where it is raining
my heart doesn't beat on it's own and for this I will never be rid of theses aches.
I will not be rid of this hurt
so kill me

And will I weep where it is reigning?
Well you can't see me anymore so why am I here.
I am weak and let my heart's beats cover me till I am no longer.

I hope for the day this is no longer.

so you say you want a war

2010-08-15T17:55:00.011-06:00

i need to be rid of this
this that is twirling at the stem of my brain
this that sucks my consistency and quiets my screaming soul
so that you can't hear me
this isn't a bird and this isn't love
this is anything but and nowhere in between
this is so far from what i ever wanted to become

i need to be rid of this that is twisting my stomach
and wringing my heart out of any chance of a drop i may remember you
i need to be rid of this before my heart is all tired
before i forget what your laugh sounds like
or what your face looks like

i need to be rid of this that is overtaking my thoughts and my steps
this that feels like i have taken more then i could ever imagine
this that feels stronger then i ever could have feared
this which is making me weak

i need to be rid of this like wet
hot

spew

like the thick black tar i could only ever dream about
so i can keep pulling and pulling until i can no longer breath
i need to be rid of this
coming like those darks in my dreams that rip at my skin for knowing what's good for me
this that is keeping my head violent and scared
this that rips at my thoughts and flips my speak to hurt you

my breathing is slowing and hurting
so there is a war on my heart that i didn't want
but i asked for
so this war is only making me stronger as your ruining my lungs as my hands go

this that is ripping at my heart like the back of my hands that are bruising
as soon as the anxiety and heavy breathing starts
my first manic
i've lost control
this that is bruising my heart and my head like my knees and my eardrums
like the smallest sign of being a klutz is the first sign to cover me

this is the worst set of thorns you could give me
this is the cancer of oil you could soak me in
this is your plague and your war
and it is a disgrace
this is what belittles all you are and takes away your man

manipulation and mind pricks and tricks only go so far when i listen to how much you hate me
the more i can see this the more i can breath
you will hate me to the point of being free

you can take your blows at me and mix them with your own self loathing and pathetic affairs at the table you invite my blood to with your rank cattle
but i am still fresh and my skin is still tight around my body,
my heart is pumping as fast as the nervous girl i have always been.
my nerves will continue to jump and not for your fucking demons that have been laughing since i was dreaming and stumbling with my big head
those that threaten my family
those that drown my bull and played my bird's heart before i was born
you can take them because i would trade them for anything my real love can throw at me
this is me telling you that you can't have me
nor my world's dancing fingers or my skies pumping lungs
you can't have my voice and you can't have my legs
you who has made the mistake to show me what hate was can take it back
you who has crossed lines even my father's soaked tricked organs couldn't have thought of.
you, the fool
who made that sad mistake

take your hand and cover my eyes
dance on my nerves and pull
on the threads that hold me together

it will do nothing

you
the fuck who forgot that i found love before you
you
who thought you could take my heart and keep my mind

keep this painful breathing and burning selfish hunger
because i never wanted it to begin with

i have to be rid of this before i forget who i am
will you pray for me?

self portrait of sorts? unfinished

2010-07-24T00:07:00.000-06:00

wake me up

2010-07-24T00:06:00.000-06:00

i am your mountain.

2010-07-01T01:03:00.003-06:00

i am not your world,
i am only small, but i have the potential to give you clear skies to see me
to see every other shining in the sky.
i will give you my mountain, as well as your maker
to give you strength.
i am not here to write something inspiring
but to hold your hand.
i will be here when you have your doubts.
when you are covered in weeds, i will remember you.
i will be your hands
to take care of you.
i will be waiting
to help keep your breathing steady.
i am the moon when it is full.
so you can see how bright it really is.
i will come an go as a full moon does.
i will give as a changing moon gives.
for i am only human.
i am the wind as your temperature rises.
i am the wave of your rapid breathing.
i am the salt of your tears.
i am everything you didn't want me to be.
i will stand as the spine of your back as long as you need me.
i will be your friend.
i will be your sun when you are covered with clouds.
i am everything you are afraid of..
i will give take his place for the moment..
i am the stop to your head that is spinning.

i am your mountain.
now show me
what i know you are capable of.

this was a really good morning

2010-06-25T11:46:00.002-06:00

body

2010-06-13T11:12:00.004-06:00

i had to grow these bones,
these bones which are growing together to dismiss my joints-
to keep me from dancing.
i had to care for my sheep to keep smiling.
this string which holds my head above my bony shoulders
this string is so tight to cut my skin.
this skin that is growing too big.
this skin i will grow out of.
this skin i will let go.

these are my eyes,
these eyes which have gone golden from what they have seen.
these are my eyelashes,
these catch what i can't hold on to.
i had to water these plants i have.

these are my knees
which are weak from the day i first told you so.

my heart hasn't stopped.
you'll tell me if it does.
this is my heart which beats as a hum would-
from the day i told you i wouldn't run.

this is my liver that was drowning before i met you.
this which is safe because of you.

these are my tears that you caught before i could say i love you.
these are my sweet salts that i will send over to you.
these drip drops are mine.
they taste like you-
and the day i held your perfect face.

i had to grow this muscle in my legs
which wraps tight around these knees to keep me from running

i had to grow these skinny ankles
these ankles that are breaking before you
and you, who looks so surprised.

these are my hands
these hands which have learned to be lovely-
with paint, they are dancing

these, my feet
have grown rough from where and what they have stepped in.
these small feet that need washing.

this throbbing,
this brain
this brain that is pulsing when i close my eyes.
this brain that you've held together-
this brain can learn to hold itself together.

this is my wall that thinks it is so smart.
this is my wall that doesn't stand a chance against my heart.
this wall floats up and down like,
like my stomach
this wall floats like the butterflies in my stomach
which come and go as they please.

these are my butterflies which float up my throat.
my throat that swells when i try not to let my salts out.
this is my mouth, my teeth, my tongue.
these which sing and laugh for you, with you.

this is my conscience
my ghost which begs to see you
this that misses you and pries to hold you

this my speech
that speeds and stutters with my heart
with my nervous knees-
from the day you held my hand
from the day i was counting and you-
stop

this is me
and i had to grow to know what you were talking about

will you never

2010-06-12T15:09:00.003-06:00

will you not forget the color of my eyes?
will you not forget the strength that i hold in my skinny knees.
will you not forget to hold my back when i'm giving in.
will you not stand that i give in.
will you please forgive me again for i am human.
will you not forget my hands and feet, and the bruising.
will you not forget that you know me.
will you not forget that i smile for you?
that i laugh all for you.
will you never, ever forget how much i love you.
will you remember that i am forever sorry and i will return the smile.
i will make sure that i'll return that laugh and take away that tremor.
will you never forget how beautiful you are and how perfect your hands and arms are. and never forget what they're good for, or what you are good for.
will you never forget these smile lines and aged me quicker then intended.
will you not count these smile lines and know that they are from you.
will you not take the thorns from my sides.
will you not give me my heart back.
will you never forget that you are my world.
will you return my laughter?

please tell me i am not the weaker

2010-06-12T14:47:00.003-06:00

im letting my heart break over something that showed me what love was. something that also reminded me why i didn't believe in love to begin with. i do hate a cliche'. i'm letting my heart die and i'm letting myself get weak, as you see me. as i watch someone truly spineless keep smiling. why am i so selfish. why am i shrinking as my heart does. this is supposed to make me grow, and flower like i wanted but I'm only shrinking and living like a did before i met you. i've already messed up and i know what you'll say. i know what they'll say. oh she's broken after only a day. how pathetic, she's just in pieces like she was before. i can't tell if i'm growing, i'm only getting angrier. i should think of her laughing because it humbles me to the point of becoming a giant. maybe you should listen to her laugh as well. maybe if you listened you'd understand me. maybe if you saw this smile as more then sheep you'd see how much it is for you. maybe then when it was gone, you'd actually care to bring it back. i get ticked for pure stupidity because i was too weak to handle things without it. it's just like he told me but he's only got a couple points. i'm getting more tired of this as i write. i am a storm. but don't you worry, you're in the clear because you ran as fast as you possibly could. remember? my darling, i am not the weaker. i am most definitely not without a spine. as i've lead you to believe this whole time, and myself as well but i was a rock before you. i turned to mush and i gave you my solid and you went on without it. mine's growing and yours is stolen. i have grown mine more then once and will continue to do so as needed but i assure you i am not the weaker. i'm not crazy because i've tried my best to stay sane while you prick at my brain with your precious voice and perfect hands and you tricked me. i'm not crazy. i am not the weaker, please tell me i am not the weaker. i am here, with or without you angel and i love you. i do not need you. i am going to continue dancing, if you'd like to take my hand, i'd love your accompaniment. so i've been forced to grow and collect myself more then once. i can pick up my own pieces.

please tell me
i am not the weaker.

change of heart

2010-05-15T21:01:00.004-06:00

Dear boy, I am not embarrassed or ashamed to say that I need you. But i'm starting to turn red and my eyes are burning. My heart is surging and it hurts in big bursts even when you're not around. I wrote, April thirtieth is the day my heart died but why would I record something I shouldn't remember. Maybe if i forget I'll forget to feed and I won't heal. If I remember the time I'll make progress and I'll start breathing steady. I think of this until the painful begins. All I want to do is dance, with you.
Maybe I am blushing, because I need you. Maybe you weren't supposed to know that part, there is my big mouth again. You weren't supposed to know that all this time we were dancing while I was shrinking. You were shrinking too and I didn't stop it from happening. We're all small now and we can see everything around us like we couldn't before. Like we were floating and dancing and there was nothing to stop this but we were growing smaller and now humans are telling us it's so. I'm not so sure I'd like to listen to those fleshy fools, how about you? I like being deaf sometimes, I like blocking out cold running blood and only listening to you. I like that you're the only opinion that matters but these ugly veined are taking that away and you're letting them, maybe you're one of them.
I'm only waiting for you to come around and I'm afraid I'm just waiting for another it's chill. I have never missed someone who was right in front of me and I've never missed someone holding my hand.
It happened.
I'm giving you a minute or two,
to come around of course.
So I'm just waiting here while my chest continues to pierce and throb and I tell you every time I feel it but you won't fix it.
I'm really tired of writing now.
My pants are uncomfortable and my upper lip is starting to sweat a little bit. My eyelids are a little sweaty as well.

Andrew Goldring

2010-04-24T15:08:00.003-06:00

This would be my best friend in the world. He's so amazing and I believe he's recording for a new cd as I write this. This is a new song and the first time I've ever gotten to hear this song all the way through without him getting embarrassed and stop playing it for me.

Andrew Goldring Dedications

2010-04-24T14:53:00.015-06:00

www.andrewgoldring.com
www.myspace.com/andrewgoldring

This is an oil painting dedicated and inspired by my best friend Andrew Goldring.
This painting was inspired by his song "A Body Broken" an amazing song.

This other oil below was inspired by Andrew's song "Collide" such a good song.

2010-04-24T14:40:00.008-06:00

My art teacher put together a wonderful art show for all of the students at East Hollywood High School at The Hive Gallery in Trolley Square and the Reception was this Friday. This is all of my art that was displayed there.

drumhead

2010-04-20T14:52:00.003-06:00

I paint custom bass drumheads with acrylic ink. If you are in a band or know anyone who might be interested in a custom painted drumhead they turn out really cool.

2010-04-11T20:42:00.000-06:00

album artwork for Kt Ainge

http://www.myspace.com/arienette801

collide

2010-04-11T20:40:00.001-06:00

almost finished but not quite.
song called collide by andrew goldring

http://andrewgoldring.com/blog/

2010-04-11T20:21:00.004-06:00

the drip starts at my heart and works it's way up, like seizing.
i'm tired and in love.
the world won't smell the same as it does now and i won't be interested. all the men have a stench that isn't worth it.
you stand still with your perfect scent that sends me back to a year ago and you don't even understand me.
the same person who gives me reason to smile is the same one who has broken me yet you're still here. you are who showed me what lives in the sky and what it is to be gracious. i'm sorry i couldn't compare but i sure did try.
i remember when i got you to sing to me and you were embarrassed, you wouldn't look at me. the same thing that bothers you so much about me now.
i can't look you in the eye because i can feel it everywhere else and it hurts.
there's too much of you around me to keep me distracted. i've come too far and i'm too deep in to breath right again. i wish you understood.
i can't write because i can't feel anything but the hurt in my head and the expansion of my stomach, an affect of stereotypical upset binging, what happens when you cry.
i can still sit with you laughing the day it hits me which means that i love you.
i'll continue to laugh because of you, despite you.
i'll laugh at your funny faces and i'll laugh at the sound of your voice, i'll laugh because you're hugging me and i'll laugh because i'm crying.
i'll stick around because you have and my backbone will grow to how it used to be when i had some sort of structure. i've lost all that now and it'll all come back. then we'll start all over again
but the whole world's stench will only be covered when you're beside me.

i am nervous fists

2010-01-22T22:24:00.005-07:00

i fell into my hole today and i curled like i am persons nervous fists balled with angst because i don't belong here, i curl like the feline i should have been. this wouldn't have happened if i were. the most brilliant thing brings this upon me without warning. i fell deep into my whole tonight and curled and became the dirt that you walk on with leather dress shoes. and you took me home with my burden of insecurities and held my imperfections in the palms of your big hands. though i feel i am the dirt beneath you tonight, it's the most beautiful night. all i kept thinking was to be hit by sliding compact on heated rubber above the wet on my right and how if i were to blow away tonight, feeling like the feathers falling from those sparrows around those big yellow eyes. and i see the wet ground. and i feel you are with me. and i feel like i can't feel like the all alright that i wish i would. i would love to blow away tonight.

my mind will sprout like wild weeds

2010-01-06T22:06:00.006-07:00

i am not you.
i never will be you.
keep reminding yourself why you aren't loved the way you deserve to be
and i'll keep telling myself the day will come when you save me.
but you'll just continue to stare at my wounds and wonder how to stop the bleeding.
i'll keep having nightmares or dreams of my rose gardens but i won't get any further, and neither will we.
maybe my roses will start dying until i tell you to help my plants and my mind and they'll sprout together like wild weeds.
i'll count my headaches each day and i'll pretend that your lips on my forehead make them go away when we both know i'm still just that burden on your back.
just when my feet start to heal i step on more glass and leave my trail of blood.
maybe you'll slip in it, or maybe someone will soak it up and laugh about my mistakes.
i'm tired of everything around me and i'm closing my eyes.
i close my eyes and count the serges and nothing ever changes.
nothing grows, my plants keep wilting.
the thorns are growing back on my hips and my eyes are glossing and you can't understand me.
i can't walk straight so you carry me.
i never tire of discomfort and tears and shaky hands.
until the day he gives up
and i have nothing more to say.
i can't look at his face and i have nothing more to say.
i am tired.
where's my garden, where's my glass house and city lights in the night and the smell of rosebuds and mud. where's my rain, where's my world?
i will never be you.
i'm too tired to try.

you are no longer

2010-01-01T23:18:00.005-07:00

can't you stand up straight sir?
you're back is crooked and you're making that ugly face again.
i have to leave now because i can't look at it anymore.
we all shook hands and gave up together so i'm letting you go now.
we are not the same.
i will never remember what that feels like.
i can't breath your air or drink your water.
i can't share your nose because it disappoints me.
you've made me speak like you and i let you.
i'm tired and you are ugly to me.
we'll go without kicking and screaming,
you just walked away.
you are the most empty i've seen you and there's nothing more i can do.
so i'll leave it at that and step aside for the next person to try.
and repeat.

why are you doing this sir? don't you want your face back?
i can only try to sew for so long but my fingertips are calloused and my head is hurting.
why am i the one with the thread that's holding you together?
you're spilling and i've run out of room to hold you.
i'm shaking, i'm holding too much and you just want more.
you're ears don't work anymore either and your sight is burning.
i won't share you legs or you're feet. i'll give them back because they just upset me.
i can't trust you or sit under cars.
i can't smile for you anymore and i can't listen because my hearing left with your mind. he told me so.
you are gray and droan and you have lost your face.
it's far too late sir, you've lost everything along with your marbles.
where were you all those times i was chin deep in suffocation.
if i can't breath and you don't give me air, where are we now?
you never told me what love was, you never told me what a god was.
you never told me right from wrong, you told to promise the things you broke.
i am numb to you sir, don't you see?
won't you call the doctor for me?
it's been so long.
you give up on that too?
i'm so tired sir, can you let me sleep?

you are no longer.

this is god saying excuse me

2009-12-08T20:59:00.001-07:00

i think i broke
my anxiety gets the best of me in these situations
and i can't breath when it happens so i can't drive but the cold takes my breath away too but we're not in love so it's no good for me

2009-11-19T19:28:00.002-07:00

they should all shave their heads so they can be kissed.
kisses on the forehead are for sick children
and i am sick
and i am a child.
every morning you stand on your door step waiting
for somebody to save you.
there are so many dead birds outside and you're still waiting.
when your hair becomes your spine that's curving.
it's shame like this that says nobody's going to help you. where did your hands go. who left your opinion in the school you almost flew in.
sit up straight on your own when your kneecaps grow.
i was given a paintbrush so i can show you how i feel, how i think, and how i see.
how do you want to change the world?
he gave me smooth hands so you won't shake them and see what i do.
you'll stand beside me and smile until your face hurts.
and i will refuse to die, if i'm alone.
i am what i am and i care what i am. i care that i am.
if i'm crazy you'll miss me, if i'm strange you'll miss me.
and you'll fall like the strange fruit you are and bruise before i've caught up.
you will grow facial hair and shave it all but your upper lip because it will remind you of me and you won't admit that you're worried. you won't admit that you're hurt because you're too proud of me. so you'll stand together with your big hands on my back because you refuse to let me bruise.
i'll miss out.
all my charms will come while i'm gone and i'll miss out.
i'll be able to breath but i'm afraid of shrinking.
sometimes i can feel closer to the ground but i can't be here.

i'm about to become stronger then you'd ever believe i could
you can talk to me now because my ears grew.
my nose and my mind, my nails and my hair.
my eyes and my teeth grow too. .
say my name and show me to my room because i'm ready.
i love giants and they love me.
find my balloons because you'll want to see what i see.

i woke to the sound of my own voice.

2009-10-11T21:10:00.003-06:00

i woke up laughing.
my life is better then my dreams.
when i'm angry in them every night.
and i'm yelling.
constantly slipping and dropping everything.
when dark bridges are the best days of my life.
and the times i remember what it feels like.
when i dream it's replaced with what i'm running from.
and my happiness goes and visits rarely
like the daughters waiting for the day to run away.
we're all running and falling in love.
you won't admit that you miss us before we've gone.
greatest smiling moments are spent with the boy who would actually appreciate my thought out flowers.
and not throw them away.
and violins actually mean something to me when i hear you.
and your voice never gets old.
and the beat of your drum lights up like faces meeting on occasional splendid visits.
one day i won't come back.
i'm probably happily ever after when i stop coming home.
you'll give yourself credit like you were ever mentally there.
and i'll just wake up laughing again and again.
i'll miss you but i won't admit it.
i want this shirt to never lose your smell.
you're just going to keep me smiling.
and your oh steady breathing will keep me calm like the times you hold my head and my face and i'm quiet.
and you don't stand above me when you realize how young parts of my mind are with being oh so easily entertained and my personalities visit you often, most of them love you dearly like the smiles do.
the day i forget what your face looks like or the way you smell,
the sound of your voice and the love of your laugh is the day my heart will break in half.
i'll wake up crying and i'll come home.
and i will not let go.
my hearts grow when they hurt and yours will mold.
our faces will become one again
and i'll wake up laughing.
my life is better then my dreams.

i am the girl who stands asleep

2009-09-29T20:57:00.004-06:00

i am the girl who's had her life crisis at the age of eighteen.
the girl who breaths quickly to make up for her wasted time.
i am the girl who might need you.
i am the girl who won't repeat herself.
i am the girl who needs to come down.
the girl who needs to learn to listen, and see.
the girl who counts fingers and makes sure you're real.
i am the girl who's forgotten everything as it happened.
the girl who skipping town and leaving her lovelies behind.
the girl who finds in necessary.
i am the girl who can't tell time and can't see the future.

i am the girl who fell asleep too many times and missed out on too much.
i am the girl who carries too much,
who's running but not late and flustered and flushed.
the girl who can't talk and walk at the same time.
the girl who's tired of zombies.
i am the girl who believes that you love her.
i am the girl who would die for you.

i am the girl who calms and closes her eyes
and counts each wonderful moment she's spent with you
and realizes
you've changed her life.

i am the mouth with a smile.
the heart with a beat.

i am the day you fell in love

2009-09-26T12:52:00.001-06:00

bradley victor

2009-09-26T12:51:00.001-06:00

the world smiles at us.

2009-09-20T20:03:00.003-06:00

today we float in place on cement as the clouds run above us.
my hearts beating and you can hear each pound,
you can feel each pound.
i can yours.
time, and the world stops and we're laughing.
nothing can touch us because we're up above.
nobody can catch us because we're flying.
you are here and you're going nowhere,
you listen to my silence and you look me in the eyes when they're blank.
you can hear me when i'm sleeping and you punish my strands of insanity that stream in our way. you keep them when i don't need them, when they're getting the best of us.
you're beautiful hands just keep me tight and balled in your palms and you squeeze.
you don't even have to say it anymore because i know.
when standing makes more sense then anything else and touching you means i'm untouchable, the world stops.
i can hear you when you're lips are closed.
still smiles around us when people can taste our being.
i get clumsy and right as my skin touches the ouch of ground you pick me up and i fall back into place, right back into your palms.
and fall asleep.
the world stops and smiles at us.

thump

2009-09-10T17:55:00.002-06:00

my drummer ran away so i'm left here to beat on my own.
i hope you don't mind, i'm a little out of shape.
i've been waiting for someone like you to come along
and take away what hurts me..
i can see you have you're own tune too,
they think you're just as weird as i am
lets just run then.
i'm so glad to say hello each day
and that you'll hold my hand and say you won't leave
makes me even louder.
so my head is cloudy, it will clear when it rains.
that's all i need.

2009-09-09T20:39:00.001-06:00

2009-09-06T21:27:00.001-06:00

loverboy

2009-09-06T21:23:00.004-06:00

not very good

apple boy

2009-09-06T21:16:00.002-06:00

Dear Loverboy,

2009-09-01T20:52:00.002-06:00

you will save the world.

2009-08-15T23:49:00.000-06:00

im scared

2009-08-15T23:41:00.002-06:00

i forgot to read you today.
you surprised me when i noticed your stance.
she's scaring me because i can hear her.
and the blinking.
and my hands.
i can feel my hands.
and my bleeding swollen gums
and my sad throat doesn't grow
no matter how much hot is poured down.
and you're crying.
and for the first time it's well.
and she's well staring, she's so happy.
can you understand she's in the perfect place
to fall.
if only i could understand your eyes this time
i'd tell you i'm well..
i'm a downfall, i burden on your back.
and you don't mind...
it's my turn to make you happy.
where are my chances.

2009-08-13T21:57:00.004-06:00

when i close my eyes
hopefully it will be there.
maybe i'll learn to use it.
the things i make up i don't work.
because i haven't figured them out yet.
they're just there
waiting.
for somebody to come along and help me use them.
maybe i made it for you, or for somebody else.
i would like to take you there.
maybe if you take my hand and close your eyes too
we'll be there.

and i never knew what floating felt like until it happened.

2009-08-12T23:52:00.003-06:00

he can see what's beautiful in what you think is hideous.
he is strong and humbly stands by his morals.
he is good to you and good to me.
he can see you're beautiful from a mile away.
he can beat a messy drum and stay clean.
his eyes are beautiful and he'll look in yours.
his hands are big in more then one way but he won't admit it.
he is the gentleman you never get to see.
he has a beautiful voice.
he can hear you when you need him to.
he comes around.

coming

2009-08-12T23:43:00.003-06:00

stop being so afraid.
because i already saw this one coming.
and it can't be anything but only the most wonderful.
and i'm here, and i couldn't be better
because you're here with me.
and you look into my eyes,
and for the first time i can't look away.
there's nothing to do but smile
as i'm waiting for you to sing.
i'm not afraid of anything
nothing is stopping the air under my feet
and nothing is stopping those tears this time
and it's there

and your heart's there.
and mine is too.
and they're dancing.
it's summer
and it's just like i thought it would be.

birds from the beginning
i think it's really weird
and i saw these coming
i heard these coming
and i felt these coming
and you're here.

and i couldn't be happier.

birds from the beginning

2009-08-12T12:52:00.002-06:00

do you see any paint on my face?
you're not peeling it off, so it isn't there.
and i'm just going to wait for you to write with me in mind.
and wait for you to realize that you can tell the world
that you're in love.
because he's waiting.
there's nobody that's going to stop me in what i want to do
or what i put on my head
the way i keep my hair out of my face
or the way i talk to everything.
because even though, you might all think i'm crazy,
just a crazy potential cat lady
who may or may not grow old and alone
and talk to her paintings as well as anything else
you all might think i'm crazy
but you all secretly love me.
because you know i'll at least give you a chance
to sing me your song
and i'll listen.
and you'll blush
but i'll love it.
and maybe i won't tell you.
but that doesn't stop me from loving you more
and more.

we'll all keep spinning and you won't forget who i am
when you catch me in a food court and smile
because i haven't changed a bit.

maybe the wrinkles from my smiles will grow deeper
but my laugh will stay the same
maybe my teeth won't be as sheep as they are now
and yes i stole that.
but they will be real.
maybe my sight will finally fall away
but my eyes will be the same
and you will see that i am just the same as i am today
and that i'm not going anywhere.

i don't ever want to forget what you smell like
and what you look like
and the sound of your voice
like i do in dreams
but i wake up and it's all still there
still the same
so im happy
and you should be to.

we can be birds.
and nothing will go wrong.

and i will be able to say
that i have never felt the way i do now
and we'll fly away.

i smiled

2009-07-15T14:09:00.001-06:00

2009-07-13T23:39:00.001-06:00

dream

2009-07-06T23:08:00.001-06:00

one more
and we're there.
and we were there.
this is my dream.
and i say we're there.
well, we were there.
in the dream of course.

and we hug, and there's a mirror.
and you said to me
look at us
so i did
and you said
look how beautiful we are

and we become one.
and so gracefully our faces stick into one.
and we're smiling.
and we become one.

and we're smiling.

when i dust to dust.

2009-07-02T23:34:00.002-06:00

where are the beautiful giant hands to catch me now?
i'm crumbling now and you're not even there to catch me.
what did i expect?
i'm not losing my head, it's just rolling back and forth.
maybe i'm dancing. you can't see the difference.
maybe i'm just a delusional happy.
maybe i'm dancing, but i'm not well.
and i'm getting sick as i'm spinning
and pale as i'm moving.
maybe i'm losing my hearing and you're fading away in front of me.
someone will ask me to dance and i'll melt all over them.
they'll take my hand and it will dissolve.
and the rest of me will crumble along with it.
with my little hand, because the big beautiful hands aren't there.
why am i waiting for these when i have my own hands?
someone take that broken record off the player,
i'm so sick of hearing it.
i can't dance to that.

if the music stops will you sing for me?
so i can dance.

when i dust to dust i want to do it dancing.
i want to die smiling, and i want to fall laughing.

i want to dust happy.
let me be happy.

play for me, something beautiful.
so i can be happy.
and i'll try to return the favor.

supah sprayah

2009-06-29T19:29:00.000-06:00

2009-06-27T23:43:00.006-06:00

your hiccups are ugly.
because they're drunken.

you're tears are ugly.
because they're thoughtless.

what i say is pointless.
because it's instantly forgotten.

i can't look at you sometimes.

you smell bad.

i can't hug you.
or say i love you anymore.
i don't want to listen to you anymore..

i want to tell you how you messed me up.
those thoughtless tears will just come back.
but mine aren't thoughtless, and they hurt my head.
so i'd rather just ignore it.

so go away from me.
i'd like to walk away.
i'd like to say i'll come back,
but i don't want to come back.

i don't want to hear you anymore.
i don't want to smell you anymore.
i don't want to look at you anymore,
or think about you,
or cry over you,
or worry about you.

2009-06-27T23:21:00.001-06:00

sometimes i know what love feels like.
sometimes it's all run out.
my love comes back when i realize i'm floating.
when i realize we're floating.

too many sometimes

2009-06-27T23:06:00.002-06:00

sometimes you're not around,
so i'll hug my cats.
sometimes my cat's aren't around,
so i'll talk to myself.
sometimes they're not around,
so i'll argue with the walls.
sometimes you're shoulder isn't there,
so i'll use a pillow or something.
sometimes my comforts gone,
so i use my thumb to teeth.
sometimes i can't hear you,
so i listen to a song.
sometimes my sanity takes a break,
so i curl.
sometimes the pills don't work,
so i cry.
sometimes the pounding continues or gets worse when i cry,
so i try to sleep.
then i can see the pounding,
so i cry some more.
then the pounding worsens and brightens.

sometimes my love is gone.
i go fishing, but catch no fish..
my love comes back when i realize the fish are floating.

sometimes i want to cry for no reason,
so i watch a movie for an excuse.

sometimes i can hear you whispering,
so i cover my ears.

sometimes i can feel that look of disappointment,
so i close my eyes.
i can still feel it.

sometimes i'm cold,
you're not there,
so i get a blanket.
sometimes the thumb comes back.

sometimes i feel pathetic,
then i eat. or sleep.

sometimes my cats aren't there,
and i can't sleep.
sometimes you're not there, and i can't eat.

sometimes my backbone needs tightening,
and you're there to fix it.

sometimes my gut needs punching,
and they're there to fix it.

sometimes nobody's there.
and i can't handle it.

toss your cookies

2009-06-23T19:20:00.002-06:00

oh sweet, freezer burnt tasting cookie dough.
i can't help but wonder how many eggs are in you.
are you eggless? if so i have a chance of not getting worms or diarrhea.
i'm still a little worried. why would i be given you if you weren't eggless?
i can't stop eating you, i feel sicker by the minute but i just can't stop.
i look over, you look so disgusting, like grainy oversugared doo doo with raisins and oatmeal. there's not raisins in you, those are little chips of chocolate.
i'm not telling you what's real, i'm telling you what you look like.
you look like somebody who nobody wants to admit to wanting, someone with hidden surprises and lies hidden inside. that's when the eggs and the problems come in.
why didn't you tell me there were eggs in you? oh dear cookie dough, the lies.
but i continue, to grab you, and to eat you.
cookie dough you make me nervous.
i feel like gagging now.
did i overdue it? you are too mysterious for me.
i can't handle your sneaky ways.
you taste pretty good though. it's not worth it.
i have a headache and the queez is no help.

drink some water.
i drink some water.

2009-06-21T18:44:00.001-06:00

2009-06-18T20:13:00.002-06:00

ha i continue dancing.
i'm just dancing.
dancing dancing dancing dancing dancing
i don't want to forget what your voice sounds like.
i don't want to forget what your face looks like.
i don't want to see your back.

my eye is burning, really really bad.

dance with me

2009-06-18T20:02:00.004-06:00

you want to dance with me?
hold my hand then, i'll just take the lead.
ok, maybe i won't. but you'll notice i'll try.
in the end i'll let you lead, it's only because i am nervous.
i don't want you to feel my sweaty palms, that's embarrassing.
quit staring me right in the eyes, it only makes me feel closer to you.
it's ok for now, but i'm afraid for later.
you're just standing there, and i can smell you from here.
you walk really funny and i can only smile.
i don't know why, i was like a duck with my waddle waddle.
anyway, you're lovely.
so just continue dancing and i'll forget whatever bother i've had today.
you're not a bother so quit saying you don't want to be.
you're just there and i'm so happy to see you again.
i've grown accustomed to your wackness, to my forgetting to feel ugly.
i can only say this because i'm not worried you'll think i'm crazy.
i wonder if i turn red anymore.
i caught you once, but i could only smile.
keep dancing.
i'm not going anywhere so don't walk away from me.
i'm only getting started.
keep dancing please.

2009-06-17T21:14:00.004-06:00

i'm just going to sit here while i have to and watch you crumble, and watch you give up, what a firm example that's burning into my brain. maybe i'll be smarter, maybe i'll be happier because i'm watching it happen but the same should have gone for you. but i'm not you, i don't want to be, never will want to be you. i'm so tired of watching you slip all over the place and all you do is lay in the pile you left. i'm not cleaning it, i guess the smell just makes me think harder, of how i'm going to do that much better at keeping myself clean and keeping myself happy. maybe i don't want to hurt you bad enough to tell you that once i leave i'm not coming back but you don't understand you're running out of time and i'm waiting so impatiently and anticipating the moment i will feel you finally let go of my shoulders and i'll finally be able to breath and i won't feel dead anymore and i won't feel like i'm just a statue. so i can't look you in the eye because they are so glossed over that you can't even see that i'm crying, you can't even feel it because you can't feel anything but the nice cold trickle down your throat. so i walked in on you the other day and you wouldn't answer me, i think i walked away and cried, like a big baby. i didn't even know i cared that much until moments like that when you hadn't a clue what i was saying. you couldn't hear me.

2009-06-17T20:51:00.003-06:00

high voice, that's the closest to being out of pitch, but it's only the most beautiful thing you've ever heard anyway. and everyone thinks you're crazy, for liking broken glass and shattered windows, and you just sit there with that smile on your face that everyone resents. how stupid of them to even think they have a clue what's going through your mind when the only thing they can say is freak. count the letters and sound it out, it won't sound the same to you, it's complimentary to the broken glass. those damn white teeth you're just staring at reverberating air from tooth to tongue and you're tired. the woahs and oahs she woahs and oahs. and you're drifting, they are leaving.

this is victor

2009-05-17T16:35:00.003-06:00

this is victor. my plant.
i had been asking my dad for a plant for such a long time, this morning he surprised me with victor. i named him.
he has his own little water globe so i don't really have to water him, makes me feel a little lazy. hopefully it will be easier to keep him alive this way. isn't he nice? he's just a baby right now, he should get much bigger and wrap and flop around my room bringing happy things.

2009-05-04T18:13:00.004-06:00

you ask if i'm hallucinating.
do you mean am i delirious?
you ask if i'm home.
you think i'm delusional.
i just can't hear you.
stop yelling because i'm so tired of hearing your voice.
it's hurting now. just quit slamming and stomping and yelling.
you laugh like a witch and i don't want to hear you today.
i did hear a goose, i'm not crazy.
i'm not unhappy. i'm not healthy.
just give me an apple and leave me to it.
don't ask me about yogurt or geese anymore.
don't act like i'm crazy.

i smile more then you do, i haven't given up.
i'm going to be better just tell me you will too.
hey i have an idea, it's called you got a phone call and
it's going to be oh so budper duper super ok.
i'm too lazy to fix that.

can you imagine how much medicine i've taken today?
since three in the morning.

i like when you sound tired. it's comforting, it was like you were next to me.
the phone cracked in my ear a few times and when i fell asleep you finally spoke.

i'm so hot, i can feel my upper lip getting hotter, my eyes are drooping and i don't feel ok.

they are just so loud, i can't sleep with the noise, do they understand how loud they are stomping and laughing and yelling and slamming? can they hear themselves? they can't hear me but how could they not hear how loud they are? are they so anxious to be heard? by who? each other? because they're right there.
i'm so tired.
just stop making noise, i want to mute you.
i wish you were a robot so you'd have a reason not to cry or smile.
look around, there are stars in the sky so understand you're an animal not a piece of metal. i need lightning to make you feel better, is that it? i'll bring it to you, just be better please because i'm tired of trying. i'm not even trying but neither are you and you make me believe it's ok to give up. just like the short nice man in the morning who makes me want to give up on what i dream to do. who believes in dreams anyway.
he says print no regrets on my body and i agree for a constant reminder.

there you go again yelling through the house.
stop yelling, i can't tell you, it makes my heart tired of beating so fast when i get angrily hype from loud noises shocking my insides and making me tired. i'm so tired. stop yelling because my head hurts. how many times do i have to shush before it really happens?
when you're a baby and they say shhh shhh shhh like a song as they bounce you and you calm down. that's what i need.

hold my face please.
i feel terrible today. just need some more and to sleep again.
i've slept so much already.
when will you be embarrassed enough to stop.

2009-05-04T18:01:00.005-06:00

i want you to jump with me.
i want you to forget about everything you are afraid of
and jump..
could you imagine not regretting this and feeling the wind oh pierce the sides of your red cheeks?
you'd get so mad at me for this and i'd laugh.
you'd think i was crazy and you'd be so angry.
i would just smile at you and everything would be ok.
because i'm smiling and for once you wouldn't be able to hold it back.
because it was for you, and you'd thank me when i was gone.

those things you hate about me now, you'll miss more then anything when i'm gone.

2009-05-04T17:52:00.004-06:00

i'm so tired and slow.
i'm so hot but i'm shaking.
sweating but i'm shivering.
and i miss you.

if you can tell me everything will be ok.
that's all i'm waiting for.
just come say hello to me so i can tell you how beautiful you are.

i want to make sure i don't need you.
maybe you should just stay here anyway.
just because that's you.

help me because i'm overheating.
i won't see you for longer then i thought.

i'm falling asleep but i'm standing.
just help me and i feel alkssssssssssjrppr again faliin g asleeoo n hr keys.

2009-05-03T11:00:00.002-06:00

i was waiting for you to tell me everything is going to be ok.
what was i waiting for? you weren't there.
so i'm staring at the ceiling with my dead wide stupid eyes trying to hear you but there was nothing. i was even trying to close them but they wouldn't move.

2009-05-02T15:26:00.002-06:00

it's raining. i look up and the bright moon is peaking out from behind the terribly dark clouds, or they would be if the happy moon wasn't making them so bright. the sky is just crying because he knows how beautiful everything is. i almost cried myself because of how happy i was. how could i blame him? the water splashing into the rest with the lights and the cherubs, the water they spit, the light they spit. whatever you want to call it. this is one of those things i can't even describe in words to make you realize how perfect it was. it's still raining, the rain and the fountain singing together. the grass is wet and goosebumps say hello from my little chicken legs. i'm just standing there, and it's perfect. you have no idea how perfect, i couldn't help but smile perfect, barely able to hold back from crying perfect. i could just say perfect until it sounds stupid kind of perfect. i spy a spider, a tan one glowing on the wet rock of the fountain. i'm smiling and he hugs me, i'm still staring at the spider. i wonder if that spider was as happy as i was. he was alone. i bet he was happy.

armsrock

2009-04-24T21:51:00.003-06:00

http://armsrock.blogspot.com/

i see another one

2009-04-24T21:36:00.003-06:00

his name is Jose Parla with nice little accented dashes above the e and last a.
i am liking this.

bleasdale

2009-04-23T22:01:00.000-06:00

2009-04-20T19:28:00.001-06:00

these skinny legs and little knees are so happy to be free.
these small toes and bare feet are so happy to be breathing.
how happy to be there a hand on my knee
and you say thank you.

grotesque

2009-04-17T18:50:00.006-06:00

so i got bored. i wanted to see if i could chew ten of those suckers.
bubble gum.
that's gross.
so gross.

butterfly net

2009-04-09T20:07:00.002-06:00

hey. i haven't died yet.
and my mind isn't completely gone yet.
so i'm doing just fine.

i guess you're going to watch me break.
it will be embarrassing. but i think you'll stay here.
i guess you're going to watch as my mind floats away from me.
even more embarrassing. but i don't think you'll leave with it.
maybe you'll be the one to catch it.
maybe find the pieces and put it back together with me.
because you're here.
and you're wonderful.
mmmmmmmmmmm....
and you're right here.
and i can't feel my heart sinking anymore.
and i think you have a tighter hold on my mind then i do.
thank you.

2009-04-07T14:19:00.003-06:00

droan

2009-04-02T21:43:00.001-06:00

droan.
i've been sleeping most my days.
when i'm not sleeping, i might as well be.
i'm so droan you can't even tell what i'm thiking.
chances are, i'm not.

i can't stay up
or sit up
or hear what you're saying.
i can't see you standing in front of me
and i definitely can't feel you.
don't try to blow in my face because i won't feel it.
i can't feel anything anymore,
except the wait of my head on my neck
and the floating of my fingers in front of me.

i close my eyes
they don't want to open.
or they don't care to.

i'm tired.
i'm so droan.

keith buckley

2009-03-29T15:20:00.004-06:00

"if you do not wake up, i will have to stop feeding you."

the flies have become dellusional.
they are flailing in dizzy circles-
ballroom dancers on a cocaine binge
how embarrassing for them they've all arrived naked.
i tell them, "sirs, i cannot follow.
your steps are not harmonious.
and if you would only stop long enough
for me to clean up her blood
i could teach you a thing or two about timing."

"silent french films on the a.m. radio."

i'll never use the word love in a love poem
but i've already done it twice.
i'm writing to tell you that i've swerved into oncoming traffic
it shouldn't have felt as good as it did
this doesn't mean i don't care about you-
i just needed to know what it's like
shake before i've been toughed
instead of shaking after

- KEITH BUCKLEY

growing.

2009-03-29T14:13:00.005-06:00

like dripping toddlers that won't shut up. with their big spitty dripping toothless mouths and snot dripping noses. their little fists pounding against the ground, the same thumping over and over. that's what you sound like to me, maybe possibly worse. like tightwads and gatherers picking up cents for yeast then complaining the scale doesn't fit your standards you hold for yourself. being lonely and your only friend is a beast that you don't even know how to speak to. you'll remember parts of what i said that was so terribly tearing against your wall of feelings that just makes you cry up bitter salt you can't even taste anymore but not remembering the things spilling from your raw smelling lips of disgusting. like i'm not going to remember. of course i will because i dream it exaggerated that night. each little thing getting burned into my mind like your hidden cigarettes against my brain. as if it's not your fault, try to grow a little before you die. it only gets worse as you sit there each and every day all die, i'm surprised things aren't growing, things aren't eating, or things aren't breading. like i'd come home and have a couple green siblings growing from your belly bottom. you wouldn't notice them there anyway. they'd get the occasional crumb of course, the occasional stain they'd fight over. and i plug my ears but i wake up to it anyway and when i don't i'm sleeping it, dreaming each and every word scream scrummed from wrinkled lips that's disgusting. i can't stand you anymore. i can't even tell if my brain is slowing or speeding but it's disgusting. you're disgusting.

ralph steadman

2009-03-29T12:25:00.002-06:00

hey look, isn't he randy? my mama told me to look him up. his art is wonderful.
he does a lot of art for the author hunter s. thompson who wrote fear and loathing in las vegas. i should read that book, but but.... i've seen the movie. i should read the book. books are always better.

cut off 4th.

2009-03-28T01:14:00.003-06:00

just because i don't sleep
doesn't make me human.
just because i can't get there.
because my eyes won't close.
because i can't stop running.
because the heater isn't on.
the hum isn't there.
the music makes me too content.
because i can't sleep.
4th.
because i can't make myself sleep.
because as soon as i go in there i will stare,
and think faster then i can remember.
because i can't sleep.
cut my eyelids off, they're already gone.

possess

2009-03-28T01:11:00.001-06:00

and by my attempt of writing as nonstop as possible
by not reading what i've written until it's already there.
i keep myself dirty.
too fresh too be clean.
i don't know how to dress myself.
i don't know how to protect you either.
but then again, everyone slips.
i've thought.
i'm thunk.
thud.

because i felt like it.

screens. you talk about screens.

2009-03-28T01:03:00.000-06:00

tv and computer all looks the same.
the same, the way the light that's the same hits your face the same, lights it up the same, burns your eyes the same when the light's off. gives you the same headache.
it's always the same.
all screens are the same.

i like impure thoughts.

2009-03-28T00:08:00.002-06:00

last night i fell asleep repeating that same pattern of hum, of song, and i woke with the same hum and song. of that song, that song. i can't get over that wonderful song. you, the reader, render ender, andrew, randrew. that song is tomorrow. sucks in my brain like thin ice that never melts, like that makes any sense.

the sounds of my fingertips against this plastic is actually driving me crazy and the thought of soon is no good no more, it's all ok though.
my eyes are burning, for once i'm not as paranoid as the normal me would be at this time in this place for this reason of always being paranoid, always frantic about aliens none of you believe in and ghosts that i can't see. whatever that is supposed to mean but i know everything about what i believe in and what i allow myself to freak over when i'm bored. like i like the shakes, i like the chills, i like the thumb, i like the pills. i only wanted to rhyme, i do like the pills. by pills i mean pain relievers of the simplest form that never even seem to help these constant continuous terrible never ending pounders you all know a thing or two about, i know more then a thing or two about these thumpers against my skull and temples. don't question my prenunciation of the word skull.

i don't even like this new song anymore, it's no longer tomorrow by the way. this song irritates me.

i should swallow so i can listen to the glorious sounds of my glorious ears popping again and again and again, just as annoying as sitting on bubble wrap. you know i'm only writing this in hopes you'll read it in the morning since i know my blood won't.

when your mind's made up.
whatever. i'm so angry right now. not at you, not at the song. it's ridiculous. my stomach feels funny like someone just lit a fire in the bit of it, like the fire he threw up and caught you all on fire and tried to run away from but was burned alive. i just saw a movie tonight. this blog is a tad more direct then others. like you may have a clue what i'm talking about.

when i cough it tastes like decay. not rot, not dust. but... not blood, not snot. but.. like i'm shriveling from the inside out. i can't see it yet, just taste it. i haven't been able to breath right for three days now. constant uncontrollable coughing with no outcome, no reaction, just useless loss of air that wasn't there to begin with. when i get going i really get going, i mean i can get typing soooo fast, ever so fast. i don't read enough, here i go giving you a clue again. like i really want you to read my mind or something so i make a blog. this isn't even working like it has before.

like warm tears dripping into my hands, into my palms.
i'll write about later which i've already started.
again, the burning in my stomach, it's deeper then normal.

shuffle, read my thoughts on shuffle, i'd like to see you try. you're already too far into my head for me to even write right anymore. i just like seeing right and write together then say it out loud with me right write, say it faster because you know you want to.

again, the taste of disgusting resentful decay in my big mouth filled with big teeth. teeth. teeths. teeths.
bananas.

always asking if you can hear me or see me, getting old isn't it.

i may have figured out what the taste of decay means. old person, getting older as you hold their hand. like i don't taste old person, i taste the taste of someone getting older and as they do they dread each passing minute because they know they're only getting older and older, there aren't even smile lines because they are spending each stupidly wasting minute of being upset being upset.

so the paranoia just kicked in which is weird because the calming sounds of the heater just turned on, i wish i were laying down when i heard it. always means so much more when i try so hard to sleep awaiting the clicking sound that the heater will turn on just moments after and the constant warming humming will lull me to sleep like a baby in someone's arms or the sound you'd expect a womb but don't remember. like adults pretend they don't remember being a naive ignorant teenager who thinks they know it all. why does everyone pretend to forget? like you don't remember being afraid of the ground and balling as your rolled soft legs came anywhere near the grass. the screams would get so much louder as the tips of the green grass touched your skin. like you don't remember throwing up on your cousins face. as if you don't remember passing out in kindergarten. getting smacked ontop the head by your kindergarten teacher and kicking boys in the shin when they chased you around the playground. or letting out cruditis in the bathrooms as you scared yourself with your two best friends, like you'll never forget jacked up teeth and embarrassing moments from then on out. each time your heart beats a little faster then normal, each time your face flushes and blushes getting hotter and redder then when you are simple.
this one is only getting longer.
like every time you trip up the stairs, how it felt on your heart shaped knees if you're normal. like sweaty palms, like butterflies of stomach, like feeling your face getting hotter, like eyelids hot, like running away, like standing still, fingertips, raunch, impure thoughts and animalistic tenancies, you'll notice i make words of my own.

burning continues. i can see it at this point.
decaying tickle in my throat.
tasting.

breathing.
coughing.
breathing.

my eyelids are getting heavier now. this song is only lulling me deeper. i'd like to dream this process but it be true so i can see just how ripe a fruit i really am. like you, like me, like him, like whoever you feel like. whatever. whatever, a taste of each generation you try to hide. like rolling eyes, like misplaced fingers, like adjusting belts, and zrippers. she said zrippers with an extra r. how intentional.

2009-03-26T21:11:00.004-06:00

like my hands that i always thought were particularly manly for a female of my stature, but i guess you changed my mind. you didn't change my mind, just made me feel better i guess. because your hands truly are big for a sur of yours. but it's wonderful and you just don't see it yet. like the crude comments the hoarding, so so flocking woman and bragging, protective men will make about hands and the bottoms of theirs and the size of such a nice thing like hands and change it to something so meaningless thing you should have taken advantage of long ago but didn't. like every ignorant creature can't make up their mind to get that out of their heads and know it's about heart, like i'm making this up and all.
my hands which i think were meant for ivory which are formed like my mama's and your hands made for who knows what all kinds of things of all kinds of sorts to imagine like wood and strings and brushes and other hands and long long so long more long i could go on.
how hands are so brilliant they can feel your eyelashes on my palms and each wrinkle on your eye as you squint them tight and i can feel the one warm drip of one warm tear fallen from one pretty eye and i can't tell whether my heart has dropped or grown because of the fact that you could actually do that without even thinking and i wouldn't even think twice about catching it.

2009-03-25T22:30:00.001-06:00

well i figured out why you read.
because you are too far into my head already, like you know my mind too much and you know me too well. you know what and who i'm writing about and it's

2009-03-25T21:23:00.005-06:00

so i say no i haven't.
you act like that's weird when i'm only what? seventeen. just a young seventeen like i even know what that means or what that feels like. something i'm not entirely ashamed of like the fool you are crying about someone you won't know years from now, they must matter though or they wouldn't be there in the first place. but pardon me for not knowing how that is quite yet, for not being able to cry in your chest because i know how you feel. is it so terrible that nobody has

shaking.

2009-03-24T20:43:00.002-06:00

i am shaking.
i am cold, there are goosebumps making their way down my legs
down my arms
and up my neck.
i can barely keep my eyes open, i can't even see what my fingers are doing.
come to find out, there's a fever attached to this good for nothing upsetness of the body.
the second time in such little time. what has it been? maybe 2 weeks? two weeks and he's back again.
why is he here? pestering me, hurting me, making me angry.
and where are you.
my ears are aching, i hope the sound around me doesn't lessen. the worst feeling, hearing. worst hearing, is muffled hearing. like you're in one of those dreams you have no control over, you can't run, you can't scream, you can't cry, and you can't defend yourself with your oh so slow moving fists and feet.
like running through thick slippery snow coating the ground with strong winds holding you back, but you run anyway.
like having everything on your mind driving you crazy because it's just too much but you're too scared to tell it even though you know it's the only way the hurt will go away. like the hurt in my back
in my chest
in my arms
in my legs
in my hips
in my neck
in my head.
like you're screaming at the very tip top of your lungs but nobody can hear you, even the person closest to you, closest to you. makes you wonder who they even are when they can't even hear you.
like where did everybody and their dancing bodies go? where did everybody and their stupid worthless ears go? where did they go?
like feeling absolutely and completely alone when you are surrounded. you cry and nobody notices. nobody hears the salty water hit the wooden floor or slide across the palms of your hands. nobody hears you sucking the oh so lovely delicious snot right back up your nose before it creeps out of your nostrils and slides down your lip.
like nobody hears you crying and screaming for help. they aren't even ignoring it, they just can't hear it to begin with and you're running out of time.
you're running but you can't go any faster, the door won't close all the way no matter how hard you try. the slowed down muffled voice of whatever it is you are so terrified of is right behind this unfit door. like you can't even feel your hands or see yourself anymore. you can't even hear yourself speak anymore. like you are drifting off into a deeper sleep only to have less control then you already have, it's almost dreaded. dreaded like the locks of the person you only wish you haven't thought you were, with those stereotypical upbeat tendencies. those happy gestures of the hands and mouth, of the eyebrows and eyes.
my ears are ringing, they are ringing. i can hear ringing, fingers, and background, whatever it is in the background of me that is playing on that overpowered, overused, over noticed box. that box that could be the reason some of you aren't even heard as they clap their hands with anticipation, beer in hand, chips on stomach. crumbs on mouth. they can't hear you though. they can't hear the sound of themselves chomping their greasy crisps with their oh so disgusting bicuspids.
like i'm trying oh so hard right now not to fall asleep due to the drink i drank earlier, do to the thick liquid i let gloop down my throat like the creepily sick beast i can be as i complain with my goosebumps and ask for my oh so cherished mommy.
i'm just waiting for the phone to ring, i don't know if this is even worth keeping my eyes open for. i'm so tired and cold. is the phone even going to ring? that hot liquid i let steam down my oh so soar throat whiles ago wasn't fulfilling like i had expected. if you are really still reading this i don't know whether to ask you kindly to find a hobby, or give you nice props with my nice unsucked on thumbs. it's only a habit that's trying to make itself bigger. i won't let it though. you won't let it either.
i'm moving oh so slowly, with my bumped up neck and arms.
i am increasingly getting a mellowed frantic. like get out of my life. get out of my head and get out of my reach.
like you are festering behind my ear with your grating voice like the pain in my head and the ache in my ears, like i really even need that.
i'm only writing this to stay awake, it has done justice thus far.
i think i'm smart when i write thus, you do too but you know me and you know better. if you didn't know me you'd question all of that, all of this.
left, no right. foot is falling asleep. i couldn't even stop typing now if i wanted to, like my fingers have their own sense of being. like the alien in that oh so overheated or freezing glass box where he doesn't want to be. he should just unzip his skin already, he doesn't know i know but i do. are you keeping up? following me? can you still hear me?
what's her obsession with hands and hearing?
rain and ... and.. rain. i wish it would rain.
i will stop now.

ending

2009-03-24T13:25:00.002-06:00

never ending pile of mess that i have absolutely no control over. like a bog of bog that i can't get my stupid self out of. i don't want to see you behind me. i don't want you to let go of my hands. don't think i have any control because i don't. i just love you. my hands are sweating, no my palms. my tongue is numb. there's a song, please don't. this should be more continuous. if i could type a little better on these macs it would be a lot easier. why do i have so much more trouble typing with these keys then any other? they are as open and ready to what i'm going to use them to write. my neck is too naked. i feel naked. get out from behind me. i can't even focus. you really can't get creative at school, you feel to watched and judged. this is not good.
sickness, i feel so sick. i got sick, what made me sick? a headache.

graine

2009-03-22T00:32:00.000-06:00

i can't sleep because all i can see
is the flashing light of my heart beating

RUNNEN!!

2009-03-21T18:57:00.001-06:00

he was runnen
and i upon his back..

i was laughen
and he was tired.
and out of breath.

what makes a man?

2009-03-20T22:13:00.004-06:00

shaky.

attempt at writing as fast as my brain.

2009-03-18T22:10:00.003-06:00

splurge. my name is jordan. can you hear me? i said my name is jordan. there is no need for computers or erasers, or clocks, or time. keep track of what i'm writing like you keep track of your ever so slow moving clock's hands. look at that next to you, look at it closely. don't make me change my name, i am a creature, a human.
just.
like.
you.
masterpiece, piece of mind, of voice, of choice. catch me? will you catch me if i let myself fall? catch me in those...

hands floater

2009-03-18T19:47:00.000-06:00

you should..

hug me, hug me because you want to, and you don't mind holding me tight for longer then your ever so never ending 3 second hug. to keep holding me with the same amount of strength until your pretty little arms fall asleep. until they go limp like i am dripping. i'm melting and i'm gross, i'm sad, and i need your hand.

hold my hand. hold my hand because you are making sure i don't float away. for the both of us, not just me. lace your nice fingers through mine and lock them tight. to make me feel safe, to make me feel grounded.

am i getting into trouble? will you hold your big, beautiful hands out so you can catch me when i fall? so you can catch me as i drip? because i am feeling utterly clumsy these days and my toes turn in more pigeon like then ever before. my ankles are week and my knees are afraid. my feet are trying so hard to keep me up but i need you. i'm melting.

i need you and your beautiful hands. to be around my waist to be sure i don't fall backwards. don't let me slip through your fingers. i'm melting. it's really dark and i don't want to go down there. can you hear me or am i already too far down? lend me an ear and i will whisper it to you, whisper in my ear until i wake up because it's getting deeper. i don't know if i will be able to see you soon. soon, i won't be able to see you.

where are you going? please don't leave me, please don't float away because i'm trying so hard not to myself.
my ears are ringing,
my sight is flashing,
my heart is beating,
my palms are sweating,
my knees are shaking,
my head is pounding,
my eyes are watering,
and
you
CAN'T HEAR ME!

why can't you hear me? i can hear you so clearly and you can barely even see me. are you leaving?
please help me because i don't have any control over my senses. just because they fly free doesn't mean i want to float away.
please help me, because i need you. i need you and your beautiful hands to hold me down and make sure i don't float. i don't want to float. not alone. i'm already floating, just hold on really tight, please hold on tight because my eyes can't take it. the lump in my throat is tired, he's tired of being there and my eyes are tired of being red. they are angry at me. my heart is getting mad, he's yelling at me and thumping fast. he's hurting me and i can't make him better. please help me, for his sake. my hands are empty, my shoulders are low, my stance is crooked, my walk is sideways. please speak louder.
i am speaking as loud as i can and you can't even hear me, it's blurry and you can't see me. can you still smell me?

do i look like cheese? my knees are aching, they don't care what a fool i may make of myself because i need your hands. to keep me up. to hold my head, to hold my hands, to help my shoulders feel better. i need kisses, repetatitve kisses to the forehead,
to the cheek,
to the temple,
to the hand,
to the top of my head.
i just need your hands. please come back because i need you. i need to hear your voice and hold your hands. please hug me and not let go.

i know, i know. that's the one thing i don't need to hear, just come back and keep me safe.
please,
don't
float,
away.

so i have this wonderful friend.

2009-03-16T19:17:00.002-06:00

i was hanging out with my best buddies patrack and randrew. i lost my bus pass somewhere downtown. i had to buy a new one, things are like $65. my mom gave me money for art stuff like canvases or a new drumhead to paint or maybe a picture frame for the painting i did for andrew that is below this post. I used that money for a new bus pass which really sucked. andrew is such a sweetheart that he came to school today and gave me two new canvases because i used the money for them. i can't get over how sweet that is. sweet boy, sweet boy.
meanwhile patrick is in moab and i miss him. i don't think any of us know what to do with ourselves at school, by any of us i mean ( erica, andrew, and myself ) i'm so used to just listening to brad and patrick make continuous wonderful jokes that i don't know what to fill the air with, at this point i'm a little afraid of the silence is all. i miss patrick and i couldn't even hang out with andrew this weekend like i usually do. i really hope i can hang out with patrick and andrew when he comes back. my friends are the most wonderful creatures i have ever laid my eyes upon. i love them so.

stop

2009-03-15T21:12:00.004-06:00

well then lets do it.

are we gonna do it?
i'm gleakin!
why am i sitting on a toilet?
uh oh, don't write that.
mmmmmm....
mmmmm...

uh mmmmm.
uhmmm
uhmmmmm

my stache is getting so big.
it's almost bigger then yours.
hah hahahahahaha
and my chin is getting fatter and fatter
and rounder and juicier
and plumper, and more unlike my moms and more unlike yours.
my uncle has the most manliest hands you'll ever see.
that's where my man hands come from, but my hands are like little girly hands compared to his.
i should shave it's sunday. i got a new hair growing out of my chin
BURP
ew
BURP

stay away from my lips.

where's my eye podddddd

2009-03-08T21:33:00.001-06:00

so we listen.
and we wait.
what makes you happy?
do you enjoy hysteria?
i miss you already because you can't hear me anymore.
i think i'll cry because YOU can't hear me anymore.
it's not my fault, why do you make it seem that way.
you are the one who cannot hear me anymore.

HER

2009-03-06T19:49:00.004-07:00

HEADS

2009-02-08T10:44:00.003-07:00

I am going to start buying, customizing, and selling drumheads.
The price will probably be around $100 depending on everything.
If you play drums and have old used drumheads you don't have use for anymore I can paint them for probably around $50 to hang or use for whatever.
I am thinking about starting to sell prints of my art as well for around $20 a print.

what makes a man

2009-02-01T22:08:00.007-07:00

im sick. can't hit low notes.
what makes a man by city and colour
real bad real bad
once again no picture, just audio.

i picked up a pencil

2009-01-31T17:51:00.000-07:00

first official oil

2009-01-18T09:40:00.002-07:00

i am jack's shaky hands, flushing cheeks, pounding stress, and final worth.

sisters

2008-12-26T19:52:00.002-07:00

these are pictures of me and my sisters danielle on the left and marissa in the middle. on christmas eve. what fun girls huh. you just gotta wanna chill with us?

christmas eve #1

2008-12-25T09:59:00.001-07:00

my sister danielle got me one 24x36 canvas and two 16x20 canvas and watercolor paper. i'm so excited to do an oil painting or two or three and sell them. they are going to be mad beautiful if i do them right. woo hoooo. i'm so excited..

i sang a song

2008-12-22T19:54:00.007-07:00

so i can't play any instrument cus i'm lame but i like to sing. so i sing a part of a song for you. to hear. with you. earssss... but you can't see me because i didn't want my stupid face in the video.
it's probably way breathy and goofy but whatever, if you care then go listen to someone else sing.
this song is called empty corridors by luke pickett i could have very likely trashed it. there are plenty mistakes and i can point out all of them so you don't need to.

andy/creeper

2008-12-22T18:56:00.001-07:00

black book

2008-12-22T13:32:00.000-07:00

will not be bound in black

my black book

2008-12-22T08:47:00.003-07:00

what i hope is that this is the beginning of the forever continuous words flowing from my tongue and fingertips until the day that i die. until the day that i physically float away, though you will still smell me. you will read this when i am no longer taut and smell like bengay and tea and feed you egg salad sandwiches from my over sized bag. you will read this as i count the new wrinkles around my eyes, smile lines of course. you will read this as my nurse watches my insanity spring from my dusty veins. and i will have not one regret left to fret of in my life. i will have my own world in my spotted palms and the smile will spread over my face with the teeth i have had all my life. you will see in my eyes that i have lived my life in most fulfilling of all ways possible. whether you have a piece of my mind and my heart on your wall, or i have taken all that away from you. you will read this book. your children will read this book, and their children, and theirs after that and maybe i will read this book without knowing i was the one who wrote it. i will float in the most perfect of manner because i will have left my mark. i will smile as my eyelids slide shut, i must guarantee this is how it will be. not because i know this for certain, but because this is the only way i want it to be.