this is victor

this is victor. my plant.
i had been asking my dad for a plant for such a long time, this morning he surprised me with victor. i named him.
he has his own little water globe so i don't really have to water him, makes me feel a little lazy. hopefully it will be easier to keep him alive this way. isn't he nice? he's just a baby right now, he should get much bigger and wrap and flop around my room bringing happy things.

you ask if i'm hallucinating.
do you mean am i delirious?
you ask if i'm home.
you think i'm delusional.
i just can't hear you.
stop yelling because i'm so tired of hearing your voice.
it's hurting now. just quit slamming and stomping and yelling.
you laugh like a witch and i don't want to hear you today.
i did hear a goose, i'm not crazy.
i'm not unhappy. i'm not healthy.
just give me an apple and leave me to it.
don't ask me about yogurt or geese anymore.
don't act like i'm crazy.

i smile more then you do, i haven't given up.
i'm going to be better just tell me you will too.
hey i have an idea, it's called you got a phone call and
it's going to be oh so budper duper super ok.
i'm too lazy to fix that.

can you imagine how much medicine i've taken today?
since three in the morning.

i like when you sound tired. it's comforting, it was like you were next to me.
the phone cracked in my ear a few times and when i fell asleep you finally spoke.

i'm so hot, i can feel my upper lip getting hotter, my eyes are drooping and i don't feel ok.

they are just so loud, i can't sleep with the noise, do they understand how loud they are stomping and laughing and yelling and slamming? can they hear themselves? they can't hear me but how could they not hear how loud they are? are they so anxious to be heard? by who? each other? because they're right there.
i'm so tired.
just stop making noise, i want to mute you.
i wish you were a robot so you'd have a reason not to cry or smile.
look around, there are stars in the sky so understand you're an animal not a piece of metal. i need lightning to make you feel better, is that it? i'll bring it to you, just be better please because i'm tired of trying. i'm not even trying but neither are you and you make me believe it's ok to give up. just like the short nice man in the morning who makes me want to give up on what i dream to do. who believes in dreams anyway.
he says print no regrets on my body and i agree for a constant reminder.

there you go again yelling through the house.
stop yelling, i can't tell you, it makes my heart tired of beating so fast when i get angrily hype from loud noises shocking my insides and making me tired. i'm so tired. stop yelling because my head hurts. how many times do i have to shush before it really happens?
when you're a baby and they say shhh shhh shhh like a song as they bounce you and you calm down. that's what i need.

hold my face please.
i feel terrible today. just need some more and to sleep again.
i've slept so much already.
when will you be embarrassed enough to stop.

i want you to jump with me.
i want you to forget about everything you are afraid of
and jump..
could you imagine not regretting this and feeling the wind oh pierce the sides of your red cheeks?
you'd get so mad at me for this and i'd laugh.
you'd think i was crazy and you'd be so angry.
i would just smile at you and everything would be ok.
because i'm smiling and for once you wouldn't be able to hold it back.
because it was for you, and you'd thank me when i was gone.

those things you hate about me now, you'll miss more then anything when i'm gone.

i'm so tired and slow.
i'm so hot but i'm shaking.
sweating but i'm shivering.
and i miss you.

if you can tell me everything will be ok.
that's all i'm waiting for.
just come say hello to me so i can tell you how beautiful you are.

i want to make sure i don't need you.
maybe you should just stay here anyway.
just because that's you.

help me because i'm overheating.
i won't see you for longer then i thought.

i'm falling asleep but i'm standing.
just help me and i feel alkssssssssssjrppr again faliin g asleeoo n hr keys.

i was waiting for you to tell me everything is going to be ok.
what was i waiting for? you weren't there.
so i'm staring at the ceiling with my dead wide stupid eyes trying to hear you but there was nothing. i was even trying to close them but they wouldn't move.

it's raining. i look up and the bright moon is peaking out from behind the terribly dark clouds, or they would be if the happy moon wasn't making them so bright. the sky is just crying because he knows how beautiful everything is. i almost cried myself because of how happy i was. how could i blame him? the water splashing into the rest with the lights and the cherubs, the water they spit, the light they spit. whatever you want to call it. this is one of those things i can't even describe in words to make you realize how perfect it was. it's still raining, the rain and the fountain singing together. the grass is wet and goosebumps say hello from my little chicken legs. i'm just standing there, and it's perfect. you have no idea how perfect, i couldn't help but smile perfect, barely able to hold back from crying perfect. i could just say perfect until it sounds stupid kind of perfect. i spy a spider, a tan one glowing on the wet rock of the fountain. i'm smiling and he hugs me, i'm still staring at the spider. i wonder if that spider was as happy as i was. he was alone. i bet he was happy.