Well hello there,

Let's talk about it. Let's talk about how my eyes are leaking and my mouth won't stop streaming and my head won't stop steaming. 

Let's talk about losing everyone because my head fell in the dark and I don't know where my heart went,,

Let's talk about it.

How I don't know know difference arpart

from what love is 

and what's not.

Let's talk about it. 

Because my brain doesn't work anymore.

Because someone took it well before. 

You wanted to know me. Nobody wants to know me. 

Leave me alone.

But let's talk about it.

Jesus let us talk about it. 

I'm done.. 

I'm tired. 

I'm tired, and I can't breath 

and every part of my body is starting to seize. 

But you just can't understand it.

Wanna be underground about it.

I can understand it. 

Because most people just can't handle it. 

I'm tired. 

So lets just talk about it. 

Stop being so underhanded. 

Because I can see right through it. 

I wanna use the word flabbergasted. 

Let's talk about it. 

Be in pain every day and try to have a smile on your face everday. 

You want me to amplify the thoughts on my mind?

It will come clear in a sirin that you weren't prepared for. 

I will come 

and I will lead you right into your demise. 

Would you want to talk about it in the sea?

I know I bleed from the nose and the ears and the head and my legs are always bruised.

But I don't know what to tell you.

Let us get archaic and I can take back all of my rights and everything I had so someone could have castrated me before it was too late.

Maybe if I didn't have any hormones I wouldn't have lost my breathe. 

Maybe I could sing how I used to.

Maybe I'd have the soul the I used to. 

At least my hands came back so I can cook and clean like I used to. 

I would like to write a little about how society is right now during my youth. How things are creeping up to utterly pathetic to what seems real quick in my life so far. Maybe I'm writing this for my future children, though I feel I'd have better luck with a listener writing this for those who have long passed before me. I'll try to describe this life in the best words possible, containing no evidential pictures. I am a 21 year old girl who graduated High School in the year 2010. I am writing this three years after only having gone to college for a semester of college, where I failed miserably. I am including this information to show I do not present myself any higher then what and who is around me. Have I come to this panicking realization and am now striving to at least live my life differently in hopes to save myself from making generations of brainless, anti-social, materialistic, mindless, unaware, self absorbed little mes? Of course. If I post this that I'm writing for people to see, I have no fear for my generation reading this or their opinions. It's the generations above me that I'm worried about noticing all of my grammatical errors and punctuation, my lack of knowledge outside of what I read and see on the internet, most of which is from people I know or distant friends or acquaintances of people I know. One thing to start all of this off with is how much people depend on "spellcheck" for any piece of writing. Whoever decided it was a good idea to include spellcheck in everything must not have considered what handicap it would cause. They didn't have spell check in anything but the computer programs we used in school when I was growing up. At least not that I can remember. I am already feeling I should revise this little tid bit of a story after I've gone back to school and taken some writing classes. As I have said, I haven't been to school in a while, haven't been learning much, haven't been refining skills much either. I must say, I thought myself a pretty good little writer in High School. I've already forgotten how to properly format my writing for the most part so I'm not even going to pretend. It's almost as if spell check is where it all began. I have in fact, used spellcheck a couple of times already. It's telling me I'm spelling spellcheck wrong, maybe I need to write it spell check. Is it a one word title for a program we use? Hell if I know. Onto another subject. I am prefacing this next subject of cell phones with, my phone spell checks along with everyone else's. There was a small period of time where there were websites dedicated to the funny mishaps that became of spell checking phones. They were funny. I'm starting to think I should save this writing for when I need a great idea for a long ass report for when I go back to school where I can cite quotes and links to back my shit up. That's another thing, people seem to swear like sailors in this bunch. Then again, I gained a potty mouth growing up with my mom. I would insert a "haha" write there and I almost did before remembering I was trying to write this as a report. I did just notice I spelled write where I should have written right. I am panicking. I can't spell properly anymore. I am "hahahaing" again. I have just become extremely overwhelmed with this report and I'm considering breaking this up into a daily/weekly journal of sorts. Oh, that would be a blog, which is what I'm writing this on now. Maybe I should post this as is now and wait for respondents in order to continue. Why should I write this for current viewers, I'll continue. I'm writing this for my future kid(s). I feel bad for my kids because I'm not sure how I will handle my beliefs in the use of our technology in weight of how society will be then. My kid will be considered that outcast weirdo who can't follow their friends on instagram and twitter because they don't have their own smartphone at the age of 7. I can do this, I can raise my child to believe I love them and these things don't matter without him/her resenting me horribly for not allowing them to keep up in the latest trends on the internet. I wish I believed myself. I wish my kid would go to school and learn cursive in elementary, learn to write reports with actual books for their researching. Growing up I didn't have a cell phone until I could afford my own when I went out and got a job. I didn't have a car let alone an insured one until I could afford that as well. One thing I appreciate that my dad did was make me work for the stupid stuff I don't need. No, I don't need a car but my life would be a lot more stressful without one, or would it? I wouldn't have the stress of keeping the registration updated and paying for insurance along with the surprise failure of parts and oil changes. Taking the bus sounds a lot nicer, except in the winter. Like I said, I took the bus throughout the majority of High School. I realize now that I paid for my car, insurance, and cell phone with social security checks I got from my dad. I still didn't earn these things. Till I was 18 that is. Most of my friends in high school had all of these things, none of which they paid for. Most of my friends didn't have jobs until they were probably 20. I like the idea my kid won't have a cell phone until they can pay for it themselves but I feel that ideas like this will leave me to be resented. I am going to calm down and break these posts up into sections. We'll go onto the subject of "Facebook" next shall we? Hopefully they will become less scattered as I write them. - Jordan

11/03/2010

The night my heart grew back.
This is the night I forgive you.

You find out what forgiveness is when your heart is no longer sore to the things you've been holding on to. You don't let go, your skin just grows.
I have forgiven you when you can see it in my eyes and I can feel it in my heart.
When the tears I've been losing are no longer sad.
It's all over he tells me, your heart can't hurt over this anymore.
This is over and you will cry no more, he says.

I know this is the truth because my heart beats, and it isn't beating on it's own.

I give you grace, he says.
Now tell him that you love him.

My heart is sore
I have made it so you can't see me anymore
And when my ghosts come
and they ask of him
I will tell them that they can't have him
I will tell them that they must pass me before they can hurt his heart.

I will be sure this doesn't happen, this passing that is.
My ghosts cannot have you.

And I will only sleep where it is raining
my heart doesn't beat on it's own and for this I will never be rid of theses aches.
I will not be rid of this hurt
so kill me

And will I weep where it is reigning?
Well you can't see me anymore so why am I here.
I am weak and let my heart's beats cover me till I am no longer.

I hope for the day this is no longer.

so you say you want a war

i need to be rid of this
this that is twirling at the stem of my brain
this that sucks my consistency and quiets my screaming soul
so that you can't hear me
this isn't a bird and this isn't love
this is anything but and nowhere in between
this is so far from what i ever wanted to become

i need to be rid of this that is twisting my stomach
and wringing my heart out of any chance of a drop i may remember you
i need to be rid of this before my heart is all tired
before i forget what your laugh sounds like
or what your face looks like

i need to be rid of this that is overtaking my thoughts and my steps
this that feels like i have taken more then i could ever imagine
this that feels stronger then i ever could have feared
this which is making me weak

i need to be rid of this like wet
hot

spew

like the thick black tar i could only ever dream about
so i can keep pulling and pulling until i can no longer breath
i need to be rid of this
coming like those darks in my dreams that rip at my skin for knowing what's good for me
this that is keeping my head violent and scared
this that rips at my thoughts and flips my speak to hurt you

my breathing is slowing and hurting
so there is a war on my heart that i didn't want
but i asked for
so this war is only making me stronger as your ruining my lungs as my hands go


this that is ripping at my heart like the back of my hands that are bruising
as soon as the anxiety and heavy breathing starts
my first manic
i've lost control
this that is bruising my heart and my head like my knees and my eardrums
like the smallest sign of being a klutz is the first sign to cover me

this is the worst set of thorns you could give me
this is the cancer of oil you could soak me in
this is your plague and your war
and it is a disgrace
this is what belittles all you are and takes away your man

manipulation and mind pricks and tricks only go so far when i listen to how much you hate me
the more i can see this the more i can breath
you will hate me to the point of being free

you can take your blows at me and mix them with your own self loathing and pathetic affairs at the table you invite my blood to with your rank cattle
but i am still fresh and my skin is still tight around my body,
my heart is pumping as fast as the nervous girl i have always been.
my nerves will continue to jump and not for your fucking demons that have been laughing since i was dreaming and stumbling with my big head
those that threaten my family
those that drown my bull and played my bird's heart before i was born
you can take them because i would trade them for anything my real love can throw at me
this is me telling you that you can't have me
nor my world's dancing fingers or my skies pumping lungs
you can't have my voice and you can't have my legs
you who has made the mistake to show me what hate was can take it back
you who has crossed lines even my father's soaked tricked organs couldn't have thought of.
you, the fool
who made that sad mistake

take your hand and cover my eyes
dance on my nerves and pull
on the threads that hold me together

it will do nothing

you
the fuck who forgot that i found love before you
you
who thought you could take my heart and keep my mind

keep this painful breathing and burning selfish hunger
because i never wanted it to begin with

i have to be rid of this before i forget who i am
will you pray for me?

self portrait of sorts? unfinished

wake me up

i am your mountain.

i am not your world,
i am only small, but i have the potential to give you clear skies to see me
to see every other shining in the sky.
i will give you my mountain, as well as your maker
to give you strength.
i am not here to write something inspiring
but to hold your hand.
i will be here when you have your doubts.
when you are covered in weeds, i will remember you.
i will be your hands
to take care of you.
i will be waiting
to help keep your breathing steady.
i am the moon when it is full.
so you can see how bright it really is.
i will come an go as a full moon does.
i will give as a changing moon gives.
for i am only human.
i am the wind as your temperature rises.
i am the wave of your rapid breathing.
i am the salt of your tears.
i am everything you didn't want me to be.
i will stand as the spine of your back as long as you need me.
i will be your friend.
i will be your sun when you are covered with clouds.
i am everything you are afraid of..
i will give take his place for the moment..
i am the stop to your head that is spinning.

i am your mountain.
now show me
what i know you are capable of.

this was a really good morning

body

i had to grow these bones,
these bones which are growing together to dismiss my joints-
to keep me from dancing.
i had to care for my sheep to keep smiling.
this string which holds my head above my bony shoulders
this string is so tight to cut my skin.
this skin that is growing too big.
this skin i will grow out of.
this skin i will let go.

these are my eyes,
these eyes which have gone golden from what they have seen.
these are my eyelashes,
these catch what i can't hold on to.
i had to water these plants i have.

these are my knees
which are weak from the day i first told you so.

my heart hasn't stopped.
you'll tell me if it does.
this is my heart which beats as a hum would-
from the day i told you i wouldn't run.

this is my liver that was drowning before i met you.
this which is safe because of you.

these are my tears that you caught before i could say i love you.
these are my sweet salts that i will send over to you.
these drip drops are mine.
they taste like you-
and the day i held your perfect face.

i had to grow this muscle in my legs
which wraps tight around these knees to keep me from running

i had to grow these skinny ankles
these ankles that are breaking before you
and you, who looks so surprised.

these are my hands
these hands which have learned to be lovely-
with paint, they are dancing

these, my feet
have grown rough from where and what they have stepped in.
these small feet that need washing.

this throbbing,
this brain
this brain that is pulsing when i close my eyes.
this brain that you've held together-
this brain can learn to hold itself together.

this is my wall that thinks it is so smart.
this is my wall that doesn't stand a chance against my heart.
this wall floats up and down like,
like my stomach
this wall floats like the butterflies in my stomach
which come and go as they please.

these are my butterflies which float up my throat.
my throat that swells when i try not to let my salts out.
this is my mouth, my teeth, my tongue.
these which sing and laugh for you, with you.

this is my conscience
my ghost which begs to see you
this that misses you and pries to hold you

this my speech
that speeds and stutters with my heart
with my nervous knees-
from the day you held my hand
from the day i was counting and you-
stop

this is me
and i had to grow to know what you were talking about

will you never

will you not forget the color of my eyes?
will you not forget the strength that i hold in my skinny knees.
will you not forget to hold my back when i'm giving in.
will you not stand that i give in.
will you please forgive me again for i am human.
will you not forget my hands and feet, and the bruising.
will you not forget that you know me.
will you not forget that i smile for you?
that i laugh all for you.
will you never, ever forget how much i love you.
will you remember that i am forever sorry and i will return the smile.
i will make sure that i'll return that laugh and take away that tremor.
will you never forget how beautiful you are and how perfect your hands and arms are. and never forget what they're good for, or what you are good for.
will you never forget these smile lines and aged me quicker then intended.
will you not count these smile lines and know that they are from you.
will you not take the thorns from my sides.
will you not give me my heart back.
will you never forget that you are my world.
will you return my laughter?

please tell me i am not the weaker

im letting my heart break over something that showed me what love was. something that also reminded me why i didn't believe in love to begin with. i do hate a cliche'. i'm letting my heart die and i'm letting myself get weak, as you see me. as i watch someone truly spineless keep smiling. why am i so selfish. why am i shrinking as my heart does. this is supposed to make me grow, and flower like i wanted but I'm only shrinking and living like a did before i met you. i've already messed up and i know what you'll say. i know what they'll say. oh she's broken after only a day. how pathetic, she's just in pieces like she was before. i can't tell if i'm growing, i'm only getting angrier. i should think of her laughing because it humbles me to the point of becoming a giant. maybe you should listen to her laugh as well. maybe if you listened you'd understand me. maybe if you saw this smile as more then sheep you'd see how much it is for you. maybe then when it was gone, you'd actually care to bring it back. i get ticked for pure stupidity because i was too weak to handle things without it. it's just like he told me but he's only got a couple points. i'm getting more tired of this as i write. i am a storm. but don't you worry, you're in the clear because you ran as fast as you possibly could. remember? my darling, i am not the weaker. i am most definitely not without a spine. as i've lead you to believe this whole time, and myself as well but i was a rock before you. i turned to mush and i gave you my solid and you went on without it. mine's growing and yours is stolen. i have grown mine more then once and will continue to do so as needed but i assure you i am not the weaker. i'm not crazy because i've tried my best to stay sane while you prick at my brain with your precious voice and perfect hands and you tricked me. i'm not crazy. i am not the weaker, please tell me i am not the weaker. i am here, with or without you angel and i love you. i do not need you. i am going to continue dancing, if you'd like to take my hand, i'd love your accompaniment. so i've been forced to grow and collect myself more then once. i can pick up my own pieces.

please tell me
i am not the weaker.

change of heart

Dear boy, I am not embarrassed or ashamed to say that I need you. But i'm starting to turn red and my eyes are burning. My heart is surging and it hurts in big bursts even when you're not around. I wrote, April thirtieth is the day my heart died but why would I record something I shouldn't remember. Maybe if i forget I'll forget to feed and I won't heal. If I remember the time I'll make progress and I'll start breathing steady. I think of this until the painful begins. All I want to do is dance, with you.
Maybe I am blushing, because I need you. Maybe you weren't supposed to know that part, there is my big mouth again. You weren't supposed to know that all this time we were dancing while I was shrinking. You were shrinking too and I didn't stop it from happening. We're all small now and we can see everything around us like we couldn't before. Like we were floating and dancing and there was nothing to stop this but we were growing smaller and now humans are telling us it's so. I'm not so sure I'd like to listen to those fleshy fools, how about you? I like being deaf sometimes, I like blocking out cold running blood and only listening to you. I like that you're the only opinion that matters but these ugly veined are taking that away and you're letting them, maybe you're one of them.
I'm only waiting for you to come around and I'm afraid I'm just waiting for another it's chill. I have never missed someone who was right in front of me and I've never missed someone holding my hand.
It happened.
I'm giving you a minute or two,
to come around of course.
So I'm just waiting here while my chest continues to pierce and throb and I tell you every time I feel it but you won't fix it.
I'm really tired of writing now.
My pants are uncomfortable and my upper lip is starting to sweat a little bit. My eyelids are a little sweaty as well.

Andrew Goldring

This would be my best friend in the world. He's so amazing and I believe he's recording for a new cd as I write this. This is a new song and the first time I've ever gotten to hear this song all the way through without him getting embarrassed and stop playing it for me.

Andrew Goldring Dedications

www.andrewgoldring.com
www.myspace.com/andrewgoldring

This is an oil painting dedicated and inspired by my best friend Andrew Goldring.
This painting was inspired by his song "A Body Broken" an amazing song.

This other oil below was inspired by Andrew's song "Collide" such a good song.

My art teacher put together a wonderful art show for all of the students at East Hollywood High School at The Hive Gallery in Trolley Square and the Reception was this Friday. This is all of my art that was displayed there.

drumhead

I paint custom bass drumheads with acrylic ink. If you are in a band or know anyone who might be interested in a custom painted drumhead they turn out really cool.

album artwork for Kt Ainge

http://www.myspace.com/arienette801

collide

almost finished but not quite.
song called collide by andrew goldring

http://andrewgoldring.com/blog/