my mind will sprout like wild weeds

i am not you.
i never will be you.
keep reminding yourself why you aren't loved the way you deserve to be
and i'll keep telling myself the day will come when you save me.
but you'll just continue to stare at my wounds and wonder how to stop the bleeding.
i'll keep having nightmares or dreams of my rose gardens but i won't get any further, and neither will we.
maybe my roses will start dying until i tell you to help my plants and my mind and they'll sprout together like wild weeds.
i'll count my headaches each day and i'll pretend that your lips on my forehead make them go away when we both know i'm still just that burden on your back.
just when my feet start to heal i step on more glass and leave my trail of blood.
maybe you'll slip in it, or maybe someone will soak it up and laugh about my mistakes.
i'm tired of everything around me and i'm closing my eyes.
i close my eyes and count the serges and nothing ever changes.
nothing grows, my plants keep wilting.
the thorns are growing back on my hips and my eyes are glossing and you can't understand me.
i can't walk straight so you carry me.
i never tire of discomfort and tears and shaky hands.
until the day he gives up
and i have nothing more to say.
i can't look at his face and i have nothing more to say.
i am tired.
where's my garden, where's my glass house and city lights in the night and the smell of rosebuds and mud. where's my rain, where's my world?
i will never be you.
i'm too tired to try.

you are no longer

can't you stand up straight sir?
you're back is crooked and you're making that ugly face again.
i have to leave now because i can't look at it anymore.
we all shook hands and gave up together so i'm letting you go now.
we are not the same.
i will never remember what that feels like.
i can't breath your air or drink your water.
i can't share your nose because it disappoints me.
you've made me speak like you and i let you.
i'm tired and you are ugly to me.
we'll go without kicking and screaming,
you just walked away.
you are the most empty i've seen you and there's nothing more i can do.
so i'll leave it at that and step aside for the next person to try.
and repeat.

why are you doing this sir? don't you want your face back?
i can only try to sew for so long but my fingertips are calloused and my head is hurting.
why am i the one with the thread that's holding you together?
you're spilling and i've run out of room to hold you.
i'm shaking, i'm holding too much and you just want more.
you're ears don't work anymore either and your sight is burning.
i won't share you legs or you're feet. i'll give them back because they just upset me.
i can't trust you or sit under cars.
i can't smile for you anymore and i can't listen because my hearing left with your mind. he told me so.
you are gray and droan and you have lost your face.
it's far too late sir, you've lost everything along with your marbles.
where were you all those times i was chin deep in suffocation.
if i can't breath and you don't give me air, where are we now?
you never told me what love was, you never told me what a god was.
you never told me right from wrong, you told to promise the things you broke.
i am numb to you sir, don't you see?
won't you call the doctor for me?
it's been so long.
you give up on that too?
i'm so tired sir, can you let me sleep?


you are no longer.

this is god saying excuse me

i think i broke
my anxiety gets the best of me in these situations
and i can't breath when it happens so i can't drive but the cold takes my breath away too but we're not in love so it's no good for me

they should all shave their heads so they can be kissed.
kisses on the forehead are for sick children
and i am sick
and i am a child.
every morning you stand on your door step waiting
for somebody to save you.
there are so many dead birds outside and you're still waiting.
when your hair becomes your spine that's curving.
it's shame like this that says nobody's going to help you. where did your hands go. who left your opinion in the school you almost flew in.
sit up straight on your own when your kneecaps grow.
i was given a paintbrush so i can show you how i feel, how i think, and how i see.
how do you want to change the world?
he gave me smooth hands so you won't shake them and see what i do.
you'll stand beside me and smile until your face hurts.
and i will refuse to die, if i'm alone.
i am what i am and i care what i am. i care that i am.
if i'm crazy you'll miss me, if i'm strange you'll miss me.
and you'll fall like the strange fruit you are and bruise before i've caught up.
you will grow facial hair and shave it all but your upper lip because it will remind you of me and you won't admit that you're worried. you won't admit that you're hurt because you're too proud of me. so you'll stand together with your big hands on my back because you refuse to let me bruise.
i'll miss out.
all my charms will come while i'm gone and i'll miss out.
i'll be able to breath but i'm afraid of shrinking.
sometimes i can feel closer to the ground but i can't be here.

i'm about to become stronger then you'd ever believe i could
you can talk to me now because my ears grew.
my nose and my mind, my nails and my hair.
my eyes and my teeth grow too. .
say my name and show me to my room because i'm ready.
i love giants and they love me.
find my balloons because you'll want to see what i see.

i woke to the sound of my own voice.

i woke up laughing.
my life is better then my dreams.
when i'm angry in them every night.
and i'm yelling.
constantly slipping and dropping everything.
when dark bridges are the best days of my life.
and the times i remember what it feels like.
when i dream it's replaced with what i'm running from.
and my happiness goes and visits rarely
like the daughters waiting for the day to run away.
we're all running and falling in love.
you won't admit that you miss us before we've gone.
greatest smiling moments are spent with the boy who would actually appreciate my thought out flowers.
and not throw them away.
and violins actually mean something to me when i hear you.
and your voice never gets old.
and the beat of your drum lights up like faces meeting on occasional splendid visits.
one day i won't come back.
i'm probably happily ever after when i stop coming home.
you'll give yourself credit like you were ever mentally there.
and i'll just wake up laughing again and again.
i'll miss you but i won't admit it.
i want this shirt to never lose your smell.
you're just going to keep me smiling.
and your oh steady breathing will keep me calm like the times you hold my head and my face and i'm quiet.
and you don't stand above me when you realize how young parts of my mind are with being oh so easily entertained and my personalities visit you often, most of them love you dearly like the smiles do.
the day i forget what your face looks like or the way you smell,
the sound of your voice and the love of your laugh is the day my heart will break in half.
i'll wake up crying and i'll come home.
and i will not let go.
my hearts grow when they hurt and yours will mold.
our faces will become one again
and i'll wake up laughing.
my life is better then my dreams.

i am the girl who stands asleep

i am the girl who's had her life crisis at the age of eighteen.
the girl who breaths quickly to make up for her wasted time.
i am the girl who might need you.
i am the girl who won't repeat herself.
i am the girl who needs to come down.
the girl who needs to learn to listen, and see.
the girl who counts fingers and makes sure you're real.
i am the girl who's forgotten everything as it happened.
the girl who skipping town and leaving her lovelies behind.
the girl who finds in necessary.
i am the girl who can't tell time and can't see the future.


i am the girl who fell asleep too many times and missed out on too much.
i am the girl who carries too much,
who's running but not late and flustered and flushed.
the girl who can't talk and walk at the same time.
the girl who's tired of zombies.
i am the girl who believes that you love her.
i am the girl who would die for you.

i am the girl who calms and closes her eyes
and counts each wonderful moment she's spent with you
and realizes
you've changed her life.

i am the mouth with a smile.
the heart with a beat.

i am the day you fell in love