this was a really good morning

body

i had to grow these bones,
these bones which are growing together to dismiss my joints-
to keep me from dancing.
i had to care for my sheep to keep smiling.
this string which holds my head above my bony shoulders
this string is so tight to cut my skin.
this skin that is growing too big.
this skin i will grow out of.
this skin i will let go.

these are my eyes,
these eyes which have gone golden from what they have seen.
these are my eyelashes,
these catch what i can't hold on to.
i had to water these plants i have.

these are my knees
which are weak from the day i first told you so.

my heart hasn't stopped.
you'll tell me if it does.
this is my heart which beats as a hum would-
from the day i told you i wouldn't run.

this is my liver that was drowning before i met you.
this which is safe because of you.

these are my tears that you caught before i could say i love you.
these are my sweet salts that i will send over to you.
these drip drops are mine.
they taste like you-
and the day i held your perfect face.

i had to grow this muscle in my legs
which wraps tight around these knees to keep me from running

i had to grow these skinny ankles
these ankles that are breaking before you
and you, who looks so surprised.

these are my hands
these hands which have learned to be lovely-
with paint, they are dancing

these, my feet
have grown rough from where and what they have stepped in.
these small feet that need washing.

this throbbing,
this brain
this brain that is pulsing when i close my eyes.
this brain that you've held together-
this brain can learn to hold itself together.

this is my wall that thinks it is so smart.
this is my wall that doesn't stand a chance against my heart.
this wall floats up and down like,
like my stomach
this wall floats like the butterflies in my stomach
which come and go as they please.

these are my butterflies which float up my throat.
my throat that swells when i try not to let my salts out.
this is my mouth, my teeth, my tongue.
these which sing and laugh for you, with you.

this is my conscience
my ghost which begs to see you
this that misses you and pries to hold you

this my speech
that speeds and stutters with my heart
with my nervous knees-
from the day you held my hand
from the day i was counting and you-
stop

this is me
and i had to grow to know what you were talking about

will you never

will you not forget the color of my eyes?
will you not forget the strength that i hold in my skinny knees.
will you not forget to hold my back when i'm giving in.
will you not stand that i give in.
will you please forgive me again for i am human.
will you not forget my hands and feet, and the bruising.
will you not forget that you know me.
will you not forget that i smile for you?
that i laugh all for you.
will you never, ever forget how much i love you.
will you remember that i am forever sorry and i will return the smile.
i will make sure that i'll return that laugh and take away that tremor.
will you never forget how beautiful you are and how perfect your hands and arms are. and never forget what they're good for, or what you are good for.
will you never forget these smile lines and aged me quicker then intended.
will you not count these smile lines and know that they are from you.
will you not take the thorns from my sides.
will you not give me my heart back.
will you never forget that you are my world.
will you return my laughter?

please tell me i am not the weaker

im letting my heart break over something that showed me what love was. something that also reminded me why i didn't believe in love to begin with. i do hate a cliche'. i'm letting my heart die and i'm letting myself get weak, as you see me. as i watch someone truly spineless keep smiling. why am i so selfish. why am i shrinking as my heart does. this is supposed to make me grow, and flower like i wanted but I'm only shrinking and living like a did before i met you. i've already messed up and i know what you'll say. i know what they'll say. oh she's broken after only a day. how pathetic, she's just in pieces like she was before. i can't tell if i'm growing, i'm only getting angrier. i should think of her laughing because it humbles me to the point of becoming a giant. maybe you should listen to her laugh as well. maybe if you listened you'd understand me. maybe if you saw this smile as more then sheep you'd see how much it is for you. maybe then when it was gone, you'd actually care to bring it back. i get ticked for pure stupidity because i was too weak to handle things without it. it's just like he told me but he's only got a couple points. i'm getting more tired of this as i write. i am a storm. but don't you worry, you're in the clear because you ran as fast as you possibly could. remember? my darling, i am not the weaker. i am most definitely not without a spine. as i've lead you to believe this whole time, and myself as well but i was a rock before you. i turned to mush and i gave you my solid and you went on without it. mine's growing and yours is stolen. i have grown mine more then once and will continue to do so as needed but i assure you i am not the weaker. i'm not crazy because i've tried my best to stay sane while you prick at my brain with your precious voice and perfect hands and you tricked me. i'm not crazy. i am not the weaker, please tell me i am not the weaker. i am here, with or without you angel and i love you. i do not need you. i am going to continue dancing, if you'd like to take my hand, i'd love your accompaniment. so i've been forced to grow and collect myself more then once. i can pick up my own pieces.

please tell me
i am not the weaker.

change of heart

Dear boy, I am not embarrassed or ashamed to say that I need you. But i'm starting to turn red and my eyes are burning. My heart is surging and it hurts in big bursts even when you're not around. I wrote, April thirtieth is the day my heart died but why would I record something I shouldn't remember. Maybe if i forget I'll forget to feed and I won't heal. If I remember the time I'll make progress and I'll start breathing steady. I think of this until the painful begins. All I want to do is dance, with you.
Maybe I am blushing, because I need you. Maybe you weren't supposed to know that part, there is my big mouth again. You weren't supposed to know that all this time we were dancing while I was shrinking. You were shrinking too and I didn't stop it from happening. We're all small now and we can see everything around us like we couldn't before. Like we were floating and dancing and there was nothing to stop this but we were growing smaller and now humans are telling us it's so. I'm not so sure I'd like to listen to those fleshy fools, how about you? I like being deaf sometimes, I like blocking out cold running blood and only listening to you. I like that you're the only opinion that matters but these ugly veined are taking that away and you're letting them, maybe you're one of them.
I'm only waiting for you to come around and I'm afraid I'm just waiting for another it's chill. I have never missed someone who was right in front of me and I've never missed someone holding my hand.
It happened.
I'm giving you a minute or two,
to come around of course.
So I'm just waiting here while my chest continues to pierce and throb and I tell you every time I feel it but you won't fix it.
I'm really tired of writing now.
My pants are uncomfortable and my upper lip is starting to sweat a little bit. My eyelids are a little sweaty as well.

Andrew Goldring

This would be my best friend in the world. He's so amazing and I believe he's recording for a new cd as I write this. This is a new song and the first time I've ever gotten to hear this song all the way through without him getting embarrassed and stop playing it for me.

Andrew Goldring Dedications

www.andrewgoldring.com
www.myspace.com/andrewgoldring

This is an oil painting dedicated and inspired by my best friend Andrew Goldring.
This painting was inspired by his song "A Body Broken" an amazing song.

This other oil below was inspired by Andrew's song "Collide" such a good song.