so you say you want a war

i need to be rid of this
this that is twirling at the stem of my brain
this that sucks my consistency and quiets my screaming soul
so that you can't hear me
this isn't a bird and this isn't love
this is anything but and nowhere in between
this is so far from what i ever wanted to become

i need to be rid of this that is twisting my stomach
and wringing my heart out of any chance of a drop i may remember you
i need to be rid of this before my heart is all tired
before i forget what your laugh sounds like
or what your face looks like

i need to be rid of this that is overtaking my thoughts and my steps
this that feels like i have taken more then i could ever imagine
this that feels stronger then i ever could have feared
this which is making me weak

i need to be rid of this like wet
hot

spew

like the thick black tar i could only ever dream about
so i can keep pulling and pulling until i can no longer breath
i need to be rid of this
coming like those darks in my dreams that rip at my skin for knowing what's good for me
this that is keeping my head violent and scared
this that rips at my thoughts and flips my speak to hurt you

my breathing is slowing and hurting
so there is a war on my heart that i didn't want
but i asked for
so this war is only making me stronger as your ruining my lungs as my hands go


this that is ripping at my heart like the back of my hands that are bruising
as soon as the anxiety and heavy breathing starts
my first manic
i've lost control
this that is bruising my heart and my head like my knees and my eardrums
like the smallest sign of being a klutz is the first sign to cover me

this is the worst set of thorns you could give me
this is the cancer of oil you could soak me in
this is your plague and your war
and it is a disgrace
this is what belittles all you are and takes away your man

manipulation and mind pricks and tricks only go so far when i listen to how much you hate me
the more i can see this the more i can breath
you will hate me to the point of being free

you can take your blows at me and mix them with your own self loathing and pathetic affairs at the table you invite my blood to with your rank cattle
but i am still fresh and my skin is still tight around my body,
my heart is pumping as fast as the nervous girl i have always been.
my nerves will continue to jump and not for your fucking demons that have been laughing since i was dreaming and stumbling with my big head
those that threaten my family
those that drown my bull and played my bird's heart before i was born
you can take them because i would trade them for anything my real love can throw at me
this is me telling you that you can't have me
nor my world's dancing fingers or my skies pumping lungs
you can't have my voice and you can't have my legs
you who has made the mistake to show me what hate was can take it back
you who has crossed lines even my father's soaked tricked organs couldn't have thought of.
you, the fool
who made that sad mistake

take your hand and cover my eyes
dance on my nerves and pull
on the threads that hold me together

it will do nothing

you
the fuck who forgot that i found love before you
you
who thought you could take my heart and keep my mind

keep this painful breathing and burning selfish hunger
because i never wanted it to begin with

i have to be rid of this before i forget who i am
will you pray for me?

self portrait of sorts? unfinished

wake me up

i am your mountain.

i am not your world,
i am only small, but i have the potential to give you clear skies to see me
to see every other shining in the sky.
i will give you my mountain, as well as your maker
to give you strength.
i am not here to write something inspiring
but to hold your hand.
i will be here when you have your doubts.
when you are covered in weeds, i will remember you.
i will be your hands
to take care of you.
i will be waiting
to help keep your breathing steady.
i am the moon when it is full.
so you can see how bright it really is.
i will come an go as a full moon does.
i will give as a changing moon gives.
for i am only human.
i am the wind as your temperature rises.
i am the wave of your rapid breathing.
i am the salt of your tears.
i am everything you didn't want me to be.
i will stand as the spine of your back as long as you need me.
i will be your friend.
i will be your sun when you are covered with clouds.
i am everything you are afraid of..
i will give take his place for the moment..
i am the stop to your head that is spinning.

i am your mountain.
now show me
what i know you are capable of.

this was a really good morning

body

i had to grow these bones,
these bones which are growing together to dismiss my joints-
to keep me from dancing.
i had to care for my sheep to keep smiling.
this string which holds my head above my bony shoulders
this string is so tight to cut my skin.
this skin that is growing too big.
this skin i will grow out of.
this skin i will let go.

these are my eyes,
these eyes which have gone golden from what they have seen.
these are my eyelashes,
these catch what i can't hold on to.
i had to water these plants i have.

these are my knees
which are weak from the day i first told you so.

my heart hasn't stopped.
you'll tell me if it does.
this is my heart which beats as a hum would-
from the day i told you i wouldn't run.

this is my liver that was drowning before i met you.
this which is safe because of you.

these are my tears that you caught before i could say i love you.
these are my sweet salts that i will send over to you.
these drip drops are mine.
they taste like you-
and the day i held your perfect face.

i had to grow this muscle in my legs
which wraps tight around these knees to keep me from running

i had to grow these skinny ankles
these ankles that are breaking before you
and you, who looks so surprised.

these are my hands
these hands which have learned to be lovely-
with paint, they are dancing

these, my feet
have grown rough from where and what they have stepped in.
these small feet that need washing.

this throbbing,
this brain
this brain that is pulsing when i close my eyes.
this brain that you've held together-
this brain can learn to hold itself together.

this is my wall that thinks it is so smart.
this is my wall that doesn't stand a chance against my heart.
this wall floats up and down like,
like my stomach
this wall floats like the butterflies in my stomach
which come and go as they please.

these are my butterflies which float up my throat.
my throat that swells when i try not to let my salts out.
this is my mouth, my teeth, my tongue.
these which sing and laugh for you, with you.

this is my conscience
my ghost which begs to see you
this that misses you and pries to hold you

this my speech
that speeds and stutters with my heart
with my nervous knees-
from the day you held my hand
from the day i was counting and you-
stop

this is me
and i had to grow to know what you were talking about

will you never

will you not forget the color of my eyes?
will you not forget the strength that i hold in my skinny knees.
will you not forget to hold my back when i'm giving in.
will you not stand that i give in.
will you please forgive me again for i am human.
will you not forget my hands and feet, and the bruising.
will you not forget that you know me.
will you not forget that i smile for you?
that i laugh all for you.
will you never, ever forget how much i love you.
will you remember that i am forever sorry and i will return the smile.
i will make sure that i'll return that laugh and take away that tremor.
will you never forget how beautiful you are and how perfect your hands and arms are. and never forget what they're good for, or what you are good for.
will you never forget these smile lines and aged me quicker then intended.
will you not count these smile lines and know that they are from you.
will you not take the thorns from my sides.
will you not give me my heart back.
will you never forget that you are my world.
will you return my laughter?