11/03/2010

The night my heart grew back.
This is the night I forgive you.

You find out what forgiveness is when your heart is no longer sore to the things you've been holding on to. You don't let go, your skin just grows.
I have forgiven you when you can see it in my eyes and I can feel it in my heart.
When the tears I've been losing are no longer sad.
It's all over he tells me, your heart can't hurt over this anymore.
This is over and you will cry no more, he says.

I know this is the truth because my heart beats, and it isn't beating on it's own.

I give you grace, he says.
Now tell him that you love him.

My heart is sore
I have made it so you can't see me anymore
And when my ghosts come
and they ask of him
I will tell them that they can't have him
I will tell them that they must pass me before they can hurt his heart.

I will be sure this doesn't happen, this passing that is.
My ghosts cannot have you.

And I will only sleep where it is raining
my heart doesn't beat on it's own and for this I will never be rid of theses aches.
I will not be rid of this hurt
so kill me

And will I weep where it is reigning?
Well you can't see me anymore so why am I here.
I am weak and let my heart's beats cover me till I am no longer.

I hope for the day this is no longer.

so you say you want a war

i need to be rid of this
this that is twirling at the stem of my brain
this that sucks my consistency and quiets my screaming soul
so that you can't hear me
this isn't a bird and this isn't love
this is anything but and nowhere in between
this is so far from what i ever wanted to become

i need to be rid of this that is twisting my stomach
and wringing my heart out of any chance of a drop i may remember you
i need to be rid of this before my heart is all tired
before i forget what your laugh sounds like
or what your face looks like

i need to be rid of this that is overtaking my thoughts and my steps
this that feels like i have taken more then i could ever imagine
this that feels stronger then i ever could have feared
this which is making me weak

i need to be rid of this like wet
hot

spew

like the thick black tar i could only ever dream about
so i can keep pulling and pulling until i can no longer breath
i need to be rid of this
coming like those darks in my dreams that rip at my skin for knowing what's good for me
this that is keeping my head violent and scared
this that rips at my thoughts and flips my speak to hurt you

my breathing is slowing and hurting
so there is a war on my heart that i didn't want
but i asked for
so this war is only making me stronger as your ruining my lungs as my hands go


this that is ripping at my heart like the back of my hands that are bruising
as soon as the anxiety and heavy breathing starts
my first manic
i've lost control
this that is bruising my heart and my head like my knees and my eardrums
like the smallest sign of being a klutz is the first sign to cover me

this is the worst set of thorns you could give me
this is the cancer of oil you could soak me in
this is your plague and your war
and it is a disgrace
this is what belittles all you are and takes away your man

manipulation and mind pricks and tricks only go so far when i listen to how much you hate me
the more i can see this the more i can breath
you will hate me to the point of being free

you can take your blows at me and mix them with your own self loathing and pathetic affairs at the table you invite my blood to with your rank cattle
but i am still fresh and my skin is still tight around my body,
my heart is pumping as fast as the nervous girl i have always been.
my nerves will continue to jump and not for your fucking demons that have been laughing since i was dreaming and stumbling with my big head
those that threaten my family
those that drown my bull and played my bird's heart before i was born
you can take them because i would trade them for anything my real love can throw at me
this is me telling you that you can't have me
nor my world's dancing fingers or my skies pumping lungs
you can't have my voice and you can't have my legs
you who has made the mistake to show me what hate was can take it back
you who has crossed lines even my father's soaked tricked organs couldn't have thought of.
you, the fool
who made that sad mistake

take your hand and cover my eyes
dance on my nerves and pull
on the threads that hold me together

it will do nothing

you
the fuck who forgot that i found love before you
you
who thought you could take my heart and keep my mind

keep this painful breathing and burning selfish hunger
because i never wanted it to begin with

i have to be rid of this before i forget who i am
will you pray for me?

self portrait of sorts? unfinished

wake me up

i am your mountain.

i am not your world,
i am only small, but i have the potential to give you clear skies to see me
to see every other shining in the sky.
i will give you my mountain, as well as your maker
to give you strength.
i am not here to write something inspiring
but to hold your hand.
i will be here when you have your doubts.
when you are covered in weeds, i will remember you.
i will be your hands
to take care of you.
i will be waiting
to help keep your breathing steady.
i am the moon when it is full.
so you can see how bright it really is.
i will come an go as a full moon does.
i will give as a changing moon gives.
for i am only human.
i am the wind as your temperature rises.
i am the wave of your rapid breathing.
i am the salt of your tears.
i am everything you didn't want me to be.
i will stand as the spine of your back as long as you need me.
i will be your friend.
i will be your sun when you are covered with clouds.
i am everything you are afraid of..
i will give take his place for the moment..
i am the stop to your head that is spinning.

i am your mountain.
now show me
what i know you are capable of.

this was a really good morning