shaking.

i am shaking.
i am cold, there are goosebumps making their way down my legs
down my arms
and up my neck.
i can barely keep my eyes open, i can't even see what my fingers are doing.
come to find out, there's a fever attached to this good for nothing upsetness of the body.
the second time in such little time. what has it been? maybe 2 weeks? two weeks and he's back again.
why is he here? pestering me, hurting me, making me angry.
and where are you.
my ears are aching, i hope the sound around me doesn't lessen. the worst feeling, hearing. worst hearing, is muffled hearing. like you're in one of those dreams you have no control over, you can't run, you can't scream, you can't cry, and you can't defend yourself with your oh so slow moving fists and feet.
like running through thick slippery snow coating the ground with strong winds holding you back, but you run anyway.
like having everything on your mind driving you crazy because it's just too much but you're too scared to tell it even though you know it's the only way the hurt will go away. like the hurt in my back
in my chest
in my arms
in my legs
in my hips
in my neck
in my head.
like you're screaming at the very tip top of your lungs but nobody can hear you, even the person closest to you, closest to you. makes you wonder who they even are when they can't even hear you.
like where did everybody and their dancing bodies go? where did everybody and their stupid worthless ears go? where did they go?
like feeling absolutely and completely alone when you are surrounded. you cry and nobody notices. nobody hears the salty water hit the wooden floor or slide across the palms of your hands. nobody hears you sucking the oh so lovely delicious snot right back up your nose before it creeps out of your nostrils and slides down your lip.
like nobody hears you crying and screaming for help. they aren't even ignoring it, they just can't hear it to begin with and you're running out of time.
you're running but you can't go any faster, the door won't close all the way no matter how hard you try. the slowed down muffled voice of whatever it is you are so terrified of is right behind this unfit door. like you can't even feel your hands or see yourself anymore. you can't even hear yourself speak anymore. like you are drifting off into a deeper sleep only to have less control then you already have, it's almost dreaded. dreaded like the locks of the person you only wish you haven't thought you were, with those stereotypical upbeat tendencies. those happy gestures of the hands and mouth, of the eyebrows and eyes.
my ears are ringing, they are ringing. i can hear ringing, fingers, and background, whatever it is in the background of me that is playing on that overpowered, overused, over noticed box. that box that could be the reason some of you aren't even heard as they clap their hands with anticipation, beer in hand, chips on stomach. crumbs on mouth. they can't hear you though. they can't hear the sound of themselves chomping their greasy crisps with their oh so disgusting bicuspids.
like i'm trying oh so hard right now not to fall asleep due to the drink i drank earlier, do to the thick liquid i let gloop down my throat like the creepily sick beast i can be as i complain with my goosebumps and ask for my oh so cherished mommy.
i'm just waiting for the phone to ring, i don't know if this is even worth keeping my eyes open for. i'm so tired and cold. is the phone even going to ring? that hot liquid i let steam down my oh so soar throat whiles ago wasn't fulfilling like i had expected. if you are really still reading this i don't know whether to ask you kindly to find a hobby, or give you nice props with my nice unsucked on thumbs. it's only a habit that's trying to make itself bigger. i won't let it though. you won't let it either.
i'm moving oh so slowly, with my bumped up neck and arms.
i am increasingly getting a mellowed frantic. like get out of my life. get out of my head and get out of my reach.
like you are festering behind my ear with your grating voice like the pain in my head and the ache in my ears, like i really even need that.
i'm only writing this to stay awake, it has done justice thus far.
i think i'm smart when i write thus, you do too but you know me and you know better. if you didn't know me you'd question all of that, all of this.
left, no right. foot is falling asleep. i couldn't even stop typing now if i wanted to, like my fingers have their own sense of being. like the alien in that oh so overheated or freezing glass box where he doesn't want to be. he should just unzip his skin already, he doesn't know i know but i do. are you keeping up? following me? can you still hear me?
what's her obsession with hands and hearing?
rain and ... and.. rain. i wish it would rain.
i will stop now.