supah sprayah

your hiccups are ugly.
because they're drunken.

you're tears are ugly.
because they're thoughtless.

what i say is pointless.
because it's instantly forgotten.

i can't look at you sometimes.

you smell bad.

i can't hug you.
or say i love you anymore.
i don't want to listen to you anymore..

i want to tell you how you messed me up.
those thoughtless tears will just come back.
but mine aren't thoughtless, and they hurt my head.
so i'd rather just ignore it.

so go away from me.
i'd like to walk away.
i'd like to say i'll come back,
but i don't want to come back.

i don't want to hear you anymore.
i don't want to smell you anymore.
i don't want to look at you anymore,
or think about you,
or cry over you,
or worry about you.

sometimes i know what love feels like.
sometimes it's all run out.
my love comes back when i realize i'm floating.
when i realize we're floating.

too many sometimes

sometimes you're not around,
so i'll hug my cats.
sometimes my cat's aren't around,
so i'll talk to myself.
sometimes they're not around,
so i'll argue with the walls.
sometimes you're shoulder isn't there,
so i'll use a pillow or something.
sometimes my comforts gone,
so i use my thumb to teeth.
sometimes i can't hear you,
so i listen to a song.
sometimes my sanity takes a break,
so i curl.
sometimes the pills don't work,
so i cry.
sometimes the pounding continues or gets worse when i cry,
so i try to sleep.
then i can see the pounding,
so i cry some more.
then the pounding worsens and brightens.

sometimes my love is gone.
i go fishing, but catch no fish..
my love comes back when i realize the fish are floating.

sometimes i want to cry for no reason,
so i watch a movie for an excuse.

sometimes i can hear you whispering,
so i cover my ears.

sometimes i can feel that look of disappointment,
so i close my eyes.
i can still feel it.

sometimes i'm cold,
you're not there,
so i get a blanket.
sometimes the thumb comes back.

sometimes i feel pathetic,
then i eat. or sleep.

sometimes my cats aren't there,
and i can't sleep.
sometimes you're not there, and i can't eat.

sometimes my backbone needs tightening,
and you're there to fix it.

sometimes my gut needs punching,
and they're there to fix it.

sometimes nobody's there.
and i can't handle it.

toss your cookies

oh sweet, freezer burnt tasting cookie dough.
i can't help but wonder how many eggs are in you.
are you eggless? if so i have a chance of not getting worms or diarrhea.
i'm still a little worried. why would i be given you if you weren't eggless?
i can't stop eating you, i feel sicker by the minute but i just can't stop.
i look over, you look so disgusting, like grainy oversugared doo doo with raisins and oatmeal. there's not raisins in you, those are little chips of chocolate.
i'm not telling you what's real, i'm telling you what you look like.
you look like somebody who nobody wants to admit to wanting, someone with hidden surprises and lies hidden inside. that's when the eggs and the problems come in.
why didn't you tell me there were eggs in you? oh dear cookie dough, the lies.
but i continue, to grab you, and to eat you.
cookie dough you make me nervous.
i feel like gagging now.
did i overdue it? you are too mysterious for me.
i can't handle your sneaky ways.
you taste pretty good though. it's not worth it.
i have a headache and the queez is no help.

drink some water.
i drink some water.

ha i continue dancing.
i'm just dancing.
dancing dancing dancing dancing dancing
i don't want to forget what your voice sounds like.
i don't want to forget what your face looks like.
i don't want to see your back.

my eye is burning, really really bad.

dance with me

you want to dance with me?
hold my hand then, i'll just take the lead.
ok, maybe i won't. but you'll notice i'll try.
in the end i'll let you lead, it's only because i am nervous.
i don't want you to feel my sweaty palms, that's embarrassing.
quit staring me right in the eyes, it only makes me feel closer to you.
it's ok for now, but i'm afraid for later.
you're just standing there, and i can smell you from here.
you walk really funny and i can only smile.
i don't know why, i was like a duck with my waddle waddle.
anyway, you're lovely.
so just continue dancing and i'll forget whatever bother i've had today.
you're not a bother so quit saying you don't want to be.
you're just there and i'm so happy to see you again.
i've grown accustomed to your wackness, to my forgetting to feel ugly.
i can only say this because i'm not worried you'll think i'm crazy.
i wonder if i turn red anymore.
i caught you once, but i could only smile.
keep dancing.
i'm not going anywhere so don't walk away from me.
i'm only getting started.
keep dancing please.

i'm just going to sit here while i have to and watch you crumble, and watch you give up, what a firm example that's burning into my brain. maybe i'll be smarter, maybe i'll be happier because i'm watching it happen but the same should have gone for you. but i'm not you, i don't want to be, never will want to be you. i'm so tired of watching you slip all over the place and all you do is lay in the pile you left. i'm not cleaning it, i guess the smell just makes me think harder, of how i'm going to do that much better at keeping myself clean and keeping myself happy. maybe i don't want to hurt you bad enough to tell you that once i leave i'm not coming back but you don't understand you're running out of time and i'm waiting so impatiently and anticipating the moment i will feel you finally let go of my shoulders and i'll finally be able to breath and i won't feel dead anymore and i won't feel like i'm just a statue. so i can't look you in the eye because they are so glossed over that you can't even see that i'm crying, you can't even feel it because you can't feel anything but the nice cold trickle down your throat. so i walked in on you the other day and you wouldn't answer me, i think i walked away and cried, like a big baby. i didn't even know i cared that much until moments like that when you hadn't a clue what i was saying. you couldn't hear me.

high voice, that's the closest to being out of pitch, but it's only the most beautiful thing you've ever heard anyway. and everyone thinks you're crazy, for liking broken glass and shattered windows, and you just sit there with that smile on your face that everyone resents. how stupid of them to even think they have a clue what's going through your mind when the only thing they can say is freak. count the letters and sound it out, it won't sound the same to you, it's complimentary to the broken glass. those damn white teeth you're just staring at reverberating air from tooth to tongue and you're tired. the woahs and oahs she woahs and oahs. and you're drifting, they are leaving.