i am nervous fists

i fell into my hole today and i curled like i am persons nervous fists balled with angst because i don't belong here, i curl like the feline i should have been. this wouldn't have happened if i were. the most brilliant thing brings this upon me without warning. i fell deep into my whole tonight and curled and became the dirt that you walk on with leather dress shoes. and you took me home with my burden of insecurities and held my imperfections in the palms of your big hands. though i feel i am the dirt beneath you tonight, it's the most beautiful night. all i kept thinking was to be hit by sliding compact on heated rubber above the wet on my right and how if i were to blow away tonight, feeling like the feathers falling from those sparrows around those big yellow eyes. and i see the wet ground. and i feel you are with me. and i feel like i can't feel like the all alright that i wish i would. i would love to blow away tonight.

my mind will sprout like wild weeds

i am not you.
i never will be you.
keep reminding yourself why you aren't loved the way you deserve to be
and i'll keep telling myself the day will come when you save me.
but you'll just continue to stare at my wounds and wonder how to stop the bleeding.
i'll keep having nightmares or dreams of my rose gardens but i won't get any further, and neither will we.
maybe my roses will start dying until i tell you to help my plants and my mind and they'll sprout together like wild weeds.
i'll count my headaches each day and i'll pretend that your lips on my forehead make them go away when we both know i'm still just that burden on your back.
just when my feet start to heal i step on more glass and leave my trail of blood.
maybe you'll slip in it, or maybe someone will soak it up and laugh about my mistakes.
i'm tired of everything around me and i'm closing my eyes.
i close my eyes and count the serges and nothing ever changes.
nothing grows, my plants keep wilting.
the thorns are growing back on my hips and my eyes are glossing and you can't understand me.
i can't walk straight so you carry me.
i never tire of discomfort and tears and shaky hands.
until the day he gives up
and i have nothing more to say.
i can't look at his face and i have nothing more to say.
i am tired.
where's my garden, where's my glass house and city lights in the night and the smell of rosebuds and mud. where's my rain, where's my world?
i will never be you.
i'm too tired to try.

you are no longer

can't you stand up straight sir?
you're back is crooked and you're making that ugly face again.
i have to leave now because i can't look at it anymore.
we all shook hands and gave up together so i'm letting you go now.
we are not the same.
i will never remember what that feels like.
i can't breath your air or drink your water.
i can't share your nose because it disappoints me.
you've made me speak like you and i let you.
i'm tired and you are ugly to me.
we'll go without kicking and screaming,
you just walked away.
you are the most empty i've seen you and there's nothing more i can do.
so i'll leave it at that and step aside for the next person to try.
and repeat.

why are you doing this sir? don't you want your face back?
i can only try to sew for so long but my fingertips are calloused and my head is hurting.
why am i the one with the thread that's holding you together?
you're spilling and i've run out of room to hold you.
i'm shaking, i'm holding too much and you just want more.
you're ears don't work anymore either and your sight is burning.
i won't share you legs or you're feet. i'll give them back because they just upset me.
i can't trust you or sit under cars.
i can't smile for you anymore and i can't listen because my hearing left with your mind. he told me so.
you are gray and droan and you have lost your face.
it's far too late sir, you've lost everything along with your marbles.
where were you all those times i was chin deep in suffocation.
if i can't breath and you don't give me air, where are we now?
you never told me what love was, you never told me what a god was.
you never told me right from wrong, you told to promise the things you broke.
i am numb to you sir, don't you see?
won't you call the doctor for me?
it's been so long.
you give up on that too?
i'm so tired sir, can you let me sleep?


you are no longer.