11/03/2010

The night my heart grew back.
This is the night I forgive you.

You find out what forgiveness is when your heart is no longer sore to the things you've been holding on to. You don't let go, your skin just grows.
I have forgiven you when you can see it in my eyes and I can feel it in my heart.
When the tears I've been losing are no longer sad.
It's all over he tells me, your heart can't hurt over this anymore.
This is over and you will cry no more, he says.

I know this is the truth because my heart beats, and it isn't beating on it's own.

I give you grace, he says.
Now tell him that you love him.

My heart is sore
I have made it so you can't see me anymore
And when my ghosts come
and they ask of him
I will tell them that they can't have him
I will tell them that they must pass me before they can hurt his heart.

I will be sure this doesn't happen, this passing that is.
My ghosts cannot have you.

And I will only sleep where it is raining
my heart doesn't beat on it's own and for this I will never be rid of theses aches.
I will not be rid of this hurt
so kill me

And will I weep where it is reigning?
Well you can't see me anymore so why am I here.
I am weak and let my heart's beats cover me till I am no longer.

I hope for the day this is no longer.

so you say you want a war

i need to be rid of this
this that is twirling at the stem of my brain
this that sucks my consistency and quiets my screaming soul
so that you can't hear me
this isn't a bird and this isn't love
this is anything but and nowhere in between
this is so far from what i ever wanted to become

i need to be rid of this that is twisting my stomach
and wringing my heart out of any chance of a drop i may remember you
i need to be rid of this before my heart is all tired
before i forget what your laugh sounds like
or what your face looks like

i need to be rid of this that is overtaking my thoughts and my steps
this that feels like i have taken more then i could ever imagine
this that feels stronger then i ever could have feared
this which is making me weak

i need to be rid of this like wet
hot

spew

like the thick black tar i could only ever dream about
so i can keep pulling and pulling until i can no longer breath
i need to be rid of this
coming like those darks in my dreams that rip at my skin for knowing what's good for me
this that is keeping my head violent and scared
this that rips at my thoughts and flips my speak to hurt you

my breathing is slowing and hurting
so there is a war on my heart that i didn't want
but i asked for
so this war is only making me stronger as your ruining my lungs as my hands go


this that is ripping at my heart like the back of my hands that are bruising
as soon as the anxiety and heavy breathing starts
my first manic
i've lost control
this that is bruising my heart and my head like my knees and my eardrums
like the smallest sign of being a klutz is the first sign to cover me

this is the worst set of thorns you could give me
this is the cancer of oil you could soak me in
this is your plague and your war
and it is a disgrace
this is what belittles all you are and takes away your man

manipulation and mind pricks and tricks only go so far when i listen to how much you hate me
the more i can see this the more i can breath
you will hate me to the point of being free

you can take your blows at me and mix them with your own self loathing and pathetic affairs at the table you invite my blood to with your rank cattle
but i am still fresh and my skin is still tight around my body,
my heart is pumping as fast as the nervous girl i have always been.
my nerves will continue to jump and not for your fucking demons that have been laughing since i was dreaming and stumbling with my big head
those that threaten my family
those that drown my bull and played my bird's heart before i was born
you can take them because i would trade them for anything my real love can throw at me
this is me telling you that you can't have me
nor my world's dancing fingers or my skies pumping lungs
you can't have my voice and you can't have my legs
you who has made the mistake to show me what hate was can take it back
you who has crossed lines even my father's soaked tricked organs couldn't have thought of.
you, the fool
who made that sad mistake

take your hand and cover my eyes
dance on my nerves and pull
on the threads that hold me together

it will do nothing

you
the fuck who forgot that i found love before you
you
who thought you could take my heart and keep my mind

keep this painful breathing and burning selfish hunger
because i never wanted it to begin with

i have to be rid of this before i forget who i am
will you pray for me?

self portrait of sorts? unfinished

wake me up

i am your mountain.

i am not your world,
i am only small, but i have the potential to give you clear skies to see me
to see every other shining in the sky.
i will give you my mountain, as well as your maker
to give you strength.
i am not here to write something inspiring
but to hold your hand.
i will be here when you have your doubts.
when you are covered in weeds, i will remember you.
i will be your hands
to take care of you.
i will be waiting
to help keep your breathing steady.
i am the moon when it is full.
so you can see how bright it really is.
i will come an go as a full moon does.
i will give as a changing moon gives.
for i am only human.
i am the wind as your temperature rises.
i am the wave of your rapid breathing.
i am the salt of your tears.
i am everything you didn't want me to be.
i will stand as the spine of your back as long as you need me.
i will be your friend.
i will be your sun when you are covered with clouds.
i am everything you are afraid of..
i will give take his place for the moment..
i am the stop to your head that is spinning.

i am your mountain.
now show me
what i know you are capable of.

this was a really good morning

body

i had to grow these bones,
these bones which are growing together to dismiss my joints-
to keep me from dancing.
i had to care for my sheep to keep smiling.
this string which holds my head above my bony shoulders
this string is so tight to cut my skin.
this skin that is growing too big.
this skin i will grow out of.
this skin i will let go.

these are my eyes,
these eyes which have gone golden from what they have seen.
these are my eyelashes,
these catch what i can't hold on to.
i had to water these plants i have.

these are my knees
which are weak from the day i first told you so.

my heart hasn't stopped.
you'll tell me if it does.
this is my heart which beats as a hum would-
from the day i told you i wouldn't run.

this is my liver that was drowning before i met you.
this which is safe because of you.

these are my tears that you caught before i could say i love you.
these are my sweet salts that i will send over to you.
these drip drops are mine.
they taste like you-
and the day i held your perfect face.

i had to grow this muscle in my legs
which wraps tight around these knees to keep me from running

i had to grow these skinny ankles
these ankles that are breaking before you
and you, who looks so surprised.

these are my hands
these hands which have learned to be lovely-
with paint, they are dancing

these, my feet
have grown rough from where and what they have stepped in.
these small feet that need washing.

this throbbing,
this brain
this brain that is pulsing when i close my eyes.
this brain that you've held together-
this brain can learn to hold itself together.

this is my wall that thinks it is so smart.
this is my wall that doesn't stand a chance against my heart.
this wall floats up and down like,
like my stomach
this wall floats like the butterflies in my stomach
which come and go as they please.

these are my butterflies which float up my throat.
my throat that swells when i try not to let my salts out.
this is my mouth, my teeth, my tongue.
these which sing and laugh for you, with you.

this is my conscience
my ghost which begs to see you
this that misses you and pries to hold you

this my speech
that speeds and stutters with my heart
with my nervous knees-
from the day you held my hand
from the day i was counting and you-
stop

this is me
and i had to grow to know what you were talking about

will you never

will you not forget the color of my eyes?
will you not forget the strength that i hold in my skinny knees.
will you not forget to hold my back when i'm giving in.
will you not stand that i give in.
will you please forgive me again for i am human.
will you not forget my hands and feet, and the bruising.
will you not forget that you know me.
will you not forget that i smile for you?
that i laugh all for you.
will you never, ever forget how much i love you.
will you remember that i am forever sorry and i will return the smile.
i will make sure that i'll return that laugh and take away that tremor.
will you never forget how beautiful you are and how perfect your hands and arms are. and never forget what they're good for, or what you are good for.
will you never forget these smile lines and aged me quicker then intended.
will you not count these smile lines and know that they are from you.
will you not take the thorns from my sides.
will you not give me my heart back.
will you never forget that you are my world.
will you return my laughter?

please tell me i am not the weaker

im letting my heart break over something that showed me what love was. something that also reminded me why i didn't believe in love to begin with. i do hate a cliche'. i'm letting my heart die and i'm letting myself get weak, as you see me. as i watch someone truly spineless keep smiling. why am i so selfish. why am i shrinking as my heart does. this is supposed to make me grow, and flower like i wanted but I'm only shrinking and living like a did before i met you. i've already messed up and i know what you'll say. i know what they'll say. oh she's broken after only a day. how pathetic, she's just in pieces like she was before. i can't tell if i'm growing, i'm only getting angrier. i should think of her laughing because it humbles me to the point of becoming a giant. maybe you should listen to her laugh as well. maybe if you listened you'd understand me. maybe if you saw this smile as more then sheep you'd see how much it is for you. maybe then when it was gone, you'd actually care to bring it back. i get ticked for pure stupidity because i was too weak to handle things without it. it's just like he told me but he's only got a couple points. i'm getting more tired of this as i write. i am a storm. but don't you worry, you're in the clear because you ran as fast as you possibly could. remember? my darling, i am not the weaker. i am most definitely not without a spine. as i've lead you to believe this whole time, and myself as well but i was a rock before you. i turned to mush and i gave you my solid and you went on without it. mine's growing and yours is stolen. i have grown mine more then once and will continue to do so as needed but i assure you i am not the weaker. i'm not crazy because i've tried my best to stay sane while you prick at my brain with your precious voice and perfect hands and you tricked me. i'm not crazy. i am not the weaker, please tell me i am not the weaker. i am here, with or without you angel and i love you. i do not need you. i am going to continue dancing, if you'd like to take my hand, i'd love your accompaniment. so i've been forced to grow and collect myself more then once. i can pick up my own pieces.

please tell me
i am not the weaker.

change of heart

Dear boy, I am not embarrassed or ashamed to say that I need you. But i'm starting to turn red and my eyes are burning. My heart is surging and it hurts in big bursts even when you're not around. I wrote, April thirtieth is the day my heart died but why would I record something I shouldn't remember. Maybe if i forget I'll forget to feed and I won't heal. If I remember the time I'll make progress and I'll start breathing steady. I think of this until the painful begins. All I want to do is dance, with you.
Maybe I am blushing, because I need you. Maybe you weren't supposed to know that part, there is my big mouth again. You weren't supposed to know that all this time we were dancing while I was shrinking. You were shrinking too and I didn't stop it from happening. We're all small now and we can see everything around us like we couldn't before. Like we were floating and dancing and there was nothing to stop this but we were growing smaller and now humans are telling us it's so. I'm not so sure I'd like to listen to those fleshy fools, how about you? I like being deaf sometimes, I like blocking out cold running blood and only listening to you. I like that you're the only opinion that matters but these ugly veined are taking that away and you're letting them, maybe you're one of them.
I'm only waiting for you to come around and I'm afraid I'm just waiting for another it's chill. I have never missed someone who was right in front of me and I've never missed someone holding my hand.
It happened.
I'm giving you a minute or two,
to come around of course.
So I'm just waiting here while my chest continues to pierce and throb and I tell you every time I feel it but you won't fix it.
I'm really tired of writing now.
My pants are uncomfortable and my upper lip is starting to sweat a little bit. My eyelids are a little sweaty as well.

Andrew Goldring

This would be my best friend in the world. He's so amazing and I believe he's recording for a new cd as I write this. This is a new song and the first time I've ever gotten to hear this song all the way through without him getting embarrassed and stop playing it for me.

Andrew Goldring Dedications

www.andrewgoldring.com
www.myspace.com/andrewgoldring

This is an oil painting dedicated and inspired by my best friend Andrew Goldring.
This painting was inspired by his song "A Body Broken" an amazing song.

This other oil below was inspired by Andrew's song "Collide" such a good song.

My art teacher put together a wonderful art show for all of the students at East Hollywood High School at The Hive Gallery in Trolley Square and the Reception was this Friday. This is all of my art that was displayed there.

drumhead

I paint custom bass drumheads with acrylic ink. If you are in a band or know anyone who might be interested in a custom painted drumhead they turn out really cool.

album artwork for Kt Ainge

http://www.myspace.com/arienette801

collide

almost finished but not quite.
song called collide by andrew goldring

http://andrewgoldring.com/blog/

the drip starts at my heart and works it's way up, like seizing.
i'm tired and in love.
the world won't smell the same as it does now and i won't be interested. all the men have a stench that isn't worth it.
you stand still with your perfect scent that sends me back to a year ago and you don't even understand me.
the same person who gives me reason to smile is the same one who has broken me yet you're still here. you are who showed me what lives in the sky and what it is to be gracious. i'm sorry i couldn't compare but i sure did try.
i remember when i got you to sing to me and you were embarrassed, you wouldn't look at me. the same thing that bothers you so much about me now.
i can't look you in the eye because i can feel it everywhere else and it hurts.
there's too much of you around me to keep me distracted. i've come too far and i'm too deep in to breath right again. i wish you understood.
i can't write because i can't feel anything but the hurt in my head and the expansion of my stomach, an affect of stereotypical upset binging, what happens when you cry.
i can still sit with you laughing the day it hits me which means that i love you.
i'll continue to laugh because of you, despite you.
i'll laugh at your funny faces and i'll laugh at the sound of your voice, i'll laugh because you're hugging me and i'll laugh because i'm crying.
i'll stick around because you have and my backbone will grow to how it used to be when i had some sort of structure. i've lost all that now and it'll all come back. then we'll start all over again
but the whole world's stench will only be covered when you're beside me.

i am nervous fists

i fell into my hole today and i curled like i am persons nervous fists balled with angst because i don't belong here, i curl like the feline i should have been. this wouldn't have happened if i were. the most brilliant thing brings this upon me without warning. i fell deep into my whole tonight and curled and became the dirt that you walk on with leather dress shoes. and you took me home with my burden of insecurities and held my imperfections in the palms of your big hands. though i feel i am the dirt beneath you tonight, it's the most beautiful night. all i kept thinking was to be hit by sliding compact on heated rubber above the wet on my right and how if i were to blow away tonight, feeling like the feathers falling from those sparrows around those big yellow eyes. and i see the wet ground. and i feel you are with me. and i feel like i can't feel like the all alright that i wish i would. i would love to blow away tonight.

my mind will sprout like wild weeds

i am not you.
i never will be you.
keep reminding yourself why you aren't loved the way you deserve to be
and i'll keep telling myself the day will come when you save me.
but you'll just continue to stare at my wounds and wonder how to stop the bleeding.
i'll keep having nightmares or dreams of my rose gardens but i won't get any further, and neither will we.
maybe my roses will start dying until i tell you to help my plants and my mind and they'll sprout together like wild weeds.
i'll count my headaches each day and i'll pretend that your lips on my forehead make them go away when we both know i'm still just that burden on your back.
just when my feet start to heal i step on more glass and leave my trail of blood.
maybe you'll slip in it, or maybe someone will soak it up and laugh about my mistakes.
i'm tired of everything around me and i'm closing my eyes.
i close my eyes and count the serges and nothing ever changes.
nothing grows, my plants keep wilting.
the thorns are growing back on my hips and my eyes are glossing and you can't understand me.
i can't walk straight so you carry me.
i never tire of discomfort and tears and shaky hands.
until the day he gives up
and i have nothing more to say.
i can't look at his face and i have nothing more to say.
i am tired.
where's my garden, where's my glass house and city lights in the night and the smell of rosebuds and mud. where's my rain, where's my world?
i will never be you.
i'm too tired to try.

you are no longer

can't you stand up straight sir?
you're back is crooked and you're making that ugly face again.
i have to leave now because i can't look at it anymore.
we all shook hands and gave up together so i'm letting you go now.
we are not the same.
i will never remember what that feels like.
i can't breath your air or drink your water.
i can't share your nose because it disappoints me.
you've made me speak like you and i let you.
i'm tired and you are ugly to me.
we'll go without kicking and screaming,
you just walked away.
you are the most empty i've seen you and there's nothing more i can do.
so i'll leave it at that and step aside for the next person to try.
and repeat.

why are you doing this sir? don't you want your face back?
i can only try to sew for so long but my fingertips are calloused and my head is hurting.
why am i the one with the thread that's holding you together?
you're spilling and i've run out of room to hold you.
i'm shaking, i'm holding too much and you just want more.
you're ears don't work anymore either and your sight is burning.
i won't share you legs or you're feet. i'll give them back because they just upset me.
i can't trust you or sit under cars.
i can't smile for you anymore and i can't listen because my hearing left with your mind. he told me so.
you are gray and droan and you have lost your face.
it's far too late sir, you've lost everything along with your marbles.
where were you all those times i was chin deep in suffocation.
if i can't breath and you don't give me air, where are we now?
you never told me what love was, you never told me what a god was.
you never told me right from wrong, you told to promise the things you broke.
i am numb to you sir, don't you see?
won't you call the doctor for me?
it's been so long.
you give up on that too?
i'm so tired sir, can you let me sleep?


you are no longer.